I’ve discovered that falling in love is not what it’s cracked up to be. This thing that we call falling in love is overrated. We put so much emphasis on how someone is suppose to make us feel. The excitement, butterflies, nervousness, every love song speaking to you, the anticipation of seeing that person. those things sound like a nervous breakdown. I’ve fallen in love a few times and all those feelings happening to me confused me. I thought they indicated that I was in love but I learned that I really wasn’t, I was wrong.
Falling leads one to believe that there is no choice, after all who in their right mind chooses to fall. Whenever we do fall it’s something that just happens. So why would I choose to "Fall in love"?
What if I could just walk in love instead of falling in love?
What the hell am I talking about walk in love?
Wow, how do I explain this. Walking in love. It’s discovering who you are, what you value, and what you want. Then you set out to get that. You intentionally set out to live life to the fullest. You become open to all the possibilities in giving of yourself , really giving, not in a sexual way, but an authentic way. Walking in love is not having to give up yourself but give of yourself. It’s consciously making a decision to be open and vulnerable to receive that love that we all crave. It’s giving yourself all the love you need and allowing it to spill over to your everyday life.
It’s a simple thought to be what you desire. It’s the amazing feeling of really allowing yourself to connect in a spiritual way with everyone, even if only for a little while.
Walking in love leads one to walk into love, instead of falling. Walking in love takes time. You find that one person that shares a special connection with you. It’s getting to explore everything that is them. Appreciating the differences without the agenda of change, but acceptance. Walking into love allows you to dream while awake, seeing thing for what they really are, not what you want them to be, but making those wants a possibility.
When you walk into love instead of falling you open yourself to soul touching experiences. Agendas, expectations, norms, and suppose to be, no longer make sense. It’s loving someone as you both agree love should be. Leaving out all things outside yourselves, out of this sacred relationship.
Walking in love takes patience, compassion, growth, intention, communication, respect , admiration, and a willingness to see yourself through the eyes of another, knowing that in them there is a safe place for you to explore all that you are. Falling is unexpected, unnerving, filled with unrealistic expectations, pushing and pulling, taking and giving.
Walking in love is natural, honest, filled with realistic growth potential, encouraging and energizing, giving and receiving. Walking in love is the process that bring us closer to who we really are, walking into love is the process of melding with that special one.
Walking in love, walking into love, is finding yourself in LOVE.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Let us Create Deeper Understanding
A couple spent a week together. Before ending the week they decided to talk. they laid in bed facing each other and started to highlight some of the weeks events and how they felt. he gave her positive feedback, she gave him positive feedback. she spoke about her feelings and he listened, at times giving her his idea on the feelings. He spoke to her about his feeling and she also listened.
Both these individuals were intending to explore the other person as a way to create more intimacy, better communication and a deeper understanding of each other. They shared confusion, disappointment, expectations and deep feelings about the week they spent together. All without judgment, blame, accusations or conflict. Their intention is to not only understand each other but understand themselves within each other.
I believe that should be the purpose of every relationship we encounter, and if every relationship, every single one no matter how long or short is treated as a sacred spiritual encounter intended on facilitating our growth then why not try to find out how you did in it ? why go around relating blindly when you can get a progress report and feedback on how to make this journey better, and better yet how you yourself can become better at knowing you.
I believe this couple will continue to be positive forces in each others lives and their talks will help in their growth not only as individual but as a couple. the reason is plain and simple.
This couple seek to be understood by understanding, they choose to explore each others mind, emotions and gain deeper understanding of these emotions as well as the emotions and feelings this relationship brings out. They choose to confront feelings as they happen with compassion and understanding. they lay there facing each other with love because they chose to omit criticism and fear from the recipe they have created as a foundation for their relationships.
I wish we all could have this deep desire to understand each other, I would certainly see a lot more happy families and individuals.
Just my thoughts
Glendaliz
Both these individuals were intending to explore the other person as a way to create more intimacy, better communication and a deeper understanding of each other. They shared confusion, disappointment, expectations and deep feelings about the week they spent together. All without judgment, blame, accusations or conflict. Their intention is to not only understand each other but understand themselves within each other.
I believe that should be the purpose of every relationship we encounter, and if every relationship, every single one no matter how long or short is treated as a sacred spiritual encounter intended on facilitating our growth then why not try to find out how you did in it ? why go around relating blindly when you can get a progress report and feedback on how to make this journey better, and better yet how you yourself can become better at knowing you.
I believe this couple will continue to be positive forces in each others lives and their talks will help in their growth not only as individual but as a couple. the reason is plain and simple.
This couple seek to be understood by understanding, they choose to explore each others mind, emotions and gain deeper understanding of these emotions as well as the emotions and feelings this relationship brings out. They choose to confront feelings as they happen with compassion and understanding. they lay there facing each other with love because they chose to omit criticism and fear from the recipe they have created as a foundation for their relationships.
I wish we all could have this deep desire to understand each other, I would certainly see a lot more happy families and individuals.
Just my thoughts
Glendaliz
Friday, August 27, 2010
What is a Strong Black Woman
What is a strong black woman?
every time I hear you say that it makes me cringe because it’s followed by all the reasons why you don’t need a man. Yet you do the singles things, try to get the hook up and you push up to men as if your life depends on it. Maybe your biological clock doesn’t realize that you got it going on. You shout to the world that it’s hard to find a good man but excuse me didn’t you say you didn’t need one?
You seek to impress with all your accomplishments and accolades as if those are the things that make you the woman , you don’t even see that the woman has disappeared. You have transformed yourself into a billboard of all you have done, yet you still seek that one.
What is a strong black woman?
Is it the fact that the world can’t see you cry yourself to sleep because no matter what you have bought you are still not happy? You say that your man NEEDS to have as much or more than what you have but you disrespect yourself all the time sleeping with the prestige and cash, but your still alone is that what makes you strong? Is a strong black woman that lost?
You can pay your own bills, buy your own home, drive your own car , pay for your own travel so why do you want a man, to carry your bags?
Your attitude of superiority makes the men you seek run. Yes they want a strong woman but they don’t want to compete for position with you. I’m not saying you should not be proud of what you have done I understand , you won. But how long will you continue proclaiming that you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN! And crying yourself to sleep …alone?
What is a strong black woman? And why do you say men are intimidated by your success? Could they just have an aversion to the negative attitudes and behaviors you exude, who wants to date a woman that wants to rule? Oh yeah I forgot you’re a queen.
Has it ever occurred to you to look in the mirror and ask yourself “Who Am I” ?
Take away the job, the degree, the lipstick, the weave, the earrings, the expensive clothes what do you have , do you know , do you know?
What is a strong black woman ?
What makes you strong? Can you list the things that make you valuable? Without the material things you have acquired?
What is a strong black woman and why are they all alone? Can you find a happy medium so you can have a happy home?
Stop calling me bitching about how it’s so hard being an educated woman as if that’s what keep you from finding happiness. Stop telling yourself that you are some kind of commodity, wake up to reality. You strong black woman are the only one standing in the way of your happiness. Get over yourself. Go find that old lady down the street that raised 12 children, was married for 65 years , held it down when times got rough with no degree, no prestigious job, no designer clothes and sometimes not enough money to eat ask her to give you the meaning of a strong black woman and when she tells you ….be that.
Stop complaining that you can’t find a good man. Maybe you can’t find one because you need to find yourself first . What do you NEED, do you even know?
Stop believing that bullshit about the American Dream and start living by your own.
I think being a strong black woman means finding a balance in all you do but most of all finding that formula that works for you . And if you’re bitching and moaning about how hard it is to be a STRONG BLACK WOMAN then it’s not really working is it?
What is a strong black woman? Can someone please explain this to me?
I seek to be strong, I am an AFRO Latin woman, but what makes me a strong black woman? Do I even want to be what the world perceives that to be?
What is a STRONG BLACK WOMAN
Angry and Tired Woman
I am an Angry Tired woman……………..
I’m tired of this downward spiral called my life.
I’m angry that I continue to make excuses , fuss and fight and never look up to see that light.
It pains me to see that the dogs I speak of are my sons, that the hood rats I criticize are my daughters.
I’m tired of the shame I refuse to talk about, and the blame we sling at each other without taking accountability. Where in that is my responsibility ?
I’m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again because this is what I saw my mother do and now I repeat with my daughters. I’m angry that I can’t stop myself from being angry at my baby daddy’s when I know that my behavior teaches my children to be angry as well. I’m tired of blaming all men for the choices I have made , I was wrong I see that now but must you constantly use that against me? Must I use it against me?
I’m angry at my self for giving all of me away to men that never deserved me in the first place, I’m ashamed that I allowed this , I’m ashamed to realize that I didn’t know me enough to know I deserve better.
I’m angry that I didn’t take time to discover myself, and just accumulated pain after pain without self knowledge gained . I’m tired of this cycle of destruction of the soul, will I be fighting this plight til I’m old?
Believing that men are intimidated by me, falling into the trap of word fallacies?
I’m angry that I can’t find the balance in my life, who do I go to for this balance but into myself to find the sum total of who I am.
I’m tired of telling myself that there are no good men out there when I know this to be false when my actions of looking for one betray my thoughts.
I’m angry that I’ve allowed myself to call friends women that are just as bitter and destructive as I am, how am I to find the way if this is how I surround myself?
Why do I fear being submissive? If I have balance of mind & spirit why not follow a man of my choosing? .
I’m tired of bashing men, angry at myself for with every breath I use to condemn them I crucify myself.
I’m angry, down right angry that I don’t know what a true man is so I go by what I read in books or see on TV but in my heart I sense what a true man should be , can anyone point me to one ? I really would like to see….
I’m tired of measuring a man by what he drives, makes or has and then complaining that all he wanted was a piece of ass.
I want to be a wife and I’m tired of my friends telling me that my want is a fantasy , that my desire to have a healthy loving relationship is just a dream, but if I look inside will I not find that wife?
I’m angry that I don’t know how to connect with positive females that will not try to make me live my life in fear by telling me I will burn in hell for my mistakes , offering no real solution only absolution that still
leaves me powerless.
I’m tired, sick and tired of complaining about my baby daddy’s as a means to take away the responsibility of looking at what I have done to my life. I’m tired of the drama, tired of the pain, angry at the accusation , disgusted with myself.
I’m tired of having a mirror held up to my face , I hate what I have done to me, but can’t find any other way to be.
I’m sad, tired, angry and I’m sick and tired of being sad tired and angry.
I need you all to just let me be, give me space to look at this face.
I’m taking the time to go inside and find that which I’ve tried to hide.
That I want better , that I am better, that I have everything to offer, that I am that which gives life, and I WANT TO CHANGE.
I’m a tired angry woman looking desperately for solutions but because you are angry at me you can not see the pain in my actions so you condemn me to a life of negativity…I am better than that!
I am tired of being an angry tired woman I want to be free of these shackles I’ve found the solution , and that solution is in ME.
I am to LOVE
I am to love….
I am to love myself that is the beginning of everything. My therapist says this, the books I read say so.
Loving me means being kind to myself, loving, honest and nurturing with myself. Embracing every part of me. Yet when I embrace myself I feel so unpretty , so unloving , who will love me when I can’t love myself. I tell myself that I do love me, but do I really?
Was I loving myself when I went from one relationship to the next , allowing myself to be abused and disrespected. Or when I allowed other to tell me who I am, and make me what they thought I should be?
Was I loving myself when I convinced myself that sex was the expression of love, how can my love be between my legs? When I am alone with my thought and I hear you’re stupid ,fat, poor, short, useless, a failure is that my truth? Am I being measured by the expectation of you? Or am I allowed to be me?
Loving myself is the beginning of everything. Why does everything seems so perfect except for me? Is my imperfection lovable? Why does everyone hold a mirror to me and tell me “this is your truth” how can they posses a mirror of my truth when I sit here so confused. Is my worth found in the pages of a magazine? Looking fly, smelling like dollars? How do I love this me when the world tells me I am all wrong?
I’m not tall enough, my shape is wrong, my accent is strong, you’re too loud, too outspoken, you don’t know you place you don’t have the right face. This is the world in which I live, at time this is the world that gave birth to me and watched me grow.
This is where I learn to love others, to be nice to them or they will not like you, be polite or they won’t befriend you. Sacrifice, sacrifice sacrifice. Is this to be my life?
I am to love myself, that is the beginning of everything, but how do I find me in the mist of confusion, out dated beliefs and judgment within? How can I know truth when I am told that God loves me yet he created a place called hell to send me to when I am not perfect, yet no one is perfect.
How can I appreciate my mind when I’m told that these questions are wrong, therefore I AM wrong.
How can I know love when I am raised to believe that others have the keys to that love.
How will I find acceptance when I am told I have to make a good first impression, am I not a good enough impression the second or third time? How can i be truth if the first impression is a lie?
I am to love myself, that is the beginning of everything, everything, everything ….
My beginning to everything was to let go of all things, all your judgments, all the ideas that I’m wrong, all the illusions of being right , the deceptions handed down to me, the expectations of what becomes of me, the idea that I’m done, false beliefs that lead me further away from my Self with each passing day. The belief that I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME.
I am becoming and like a phoenix I rise ,to love myself inspite of this world. yes loving myself is the beginning of every thing , every single part of me even when I’m tempted to judge myself I have learn to forgive myself. I embrace, love and honor me even in the mist of YOUR lies called my truth.
I embrace my fat thighs, my small breast, my plump face, even that section of my belly that use to be flat, my quick temper, my accent, my not knowing, my emotions, my past , my compassion, MY values, the victories that no one else can see, I’m embracing all of me because I and only I have possession of My mirror and it tells me that I am perfect just the way I am ….I am to love myself, that is the beginning of My everything
WEAK
“Sometimes I'm afraid to be weak because I fear I will be judged, then I realize that the judgment comes from me because I have never allowed myself to embrace my weakness“.
I posted that on my Face Book page. When I read it back to myself it just didn’t sit right with me I wasn’t sure if I was correctly articulating what and how I was feeling.
So I looked up the word WEAK . When I looked it up it did not describe what I was feeling at all. That made me wonder, why didn’t I ever look it up before?
I took it for granted that for years we have been throwing that word around like rice at a wedding and using it wrong.
I’ve always considered myself strong to the world , yet having personal moments of weakness. Moments when I felt defeated, helpless and emotional spent, moment when I would cry because I felt so overwhelmed with problems I myself created. I can honestly say I HATED being thought of as weak. Because I am not.
When I wrote the statement on face book I started to think about my weaknesses and I realize that what I was calling weakness was not weakness at all.
I’ve gone through things, endured pain, and made mistakes just like anyone else and maybe a little more than others. I hated the thought that others might think I was weak , if I cried, was too emotional, expressed my anger, or complained about an injustice. I kept my feelings very well tucked in or so I thought. I tried to be positive and upbeat but there were things happening in my life that would bring a grown man to his knees. I’m not WEAK. ! I would say this to myself as if to tell the world but the one that needed to believe it was me. I have made many strides in this journey called my life. Lost a few friends, family bonds that I thought were strong sort of dissolved but I was and I am willing to do this work of finding myself.
Which means really defining who I am on my terms and WEAK I am not. I am an emotional woman , full of compassion and grace and if that makes me weak I will be that because it’s who I am.
But if you look up the word Weak in the dictionary you will not find me there.
Now Vulnerable yes that I am !! Because I have chosen to open my heart to all there is to being me, so that I can reconnect with my soul. It’s actually my SOUL PURPOSE.
In being Vulnerable I open myself to all possibilities including the possibility to be hurt, taken advantage of and being harmed. Knowing theses things I still seek to take this journey and everyday I’m learning new things about myself, new feelings to explore and old ways that were not working for me find themselves discarded. It’s not easy walking to the beat of my own drum, making up the rules as I go along.
Yes I’m scared but I am by no means WEAK. I am vulnerable to being hurt, harmed, taken advantage of and all those thing we women seem to think make us WEAK , but when I open myself to those things I also open myself to be loved, trusted, comforted , cared for and most of all I open my mind to find the strength I need to be good to myself even when all else seems to be against me. I open myself to find that love within and it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world. No I am NOT a weak woman. I am a divine spiritual soul on a journey to reconnect and remember my true nature…LOVE
Sometimes I'm afraid to be weak because I fear I will be judged, then I realize that the judgment comes from me but I’m strong enough to understand that weakness is not of me. I don’t have to embrace my weakness because they never were. I choose not to judge myself, instead I can experience myself. And you know what it’s okay to be afraid, when I’m afraid it’s because I don’t know and when I don’t have any preconceived ideas of how things should be I’m open to the greatest possibilities of how things are. By allowing myself to let go of my idea or how it’s always been my soul speaks to me.
Tonight I allowed myself to be still so that I could understand what it was that I was feeling and this that I write was my answer. It’s not simple, maybe even complicated but when you really think about it, it’s my spirit teaching me that I’m important and the things that I think are true are false if they do not come from LOVE.
There is no real weakness, there is only acceptance of all that I am, and I am Everything !
I posted that on my Face Book page. When I read it back to myself it just didn’t sit right with me I wasn’t sure if I was correctly articulating what and how I was feeling.
So I looked up the word WEAK . When I looked it up it did not describe what I was feeling at all. That made me wonder, why didn’t I ever look it up before?
I took it for granted that for years we have been throwing that word around like rice at a wedding and using it wrong.
I’ve always considered myself strong to the world , yet having personal moments of weakness. Moments when I felt defeated, helpless and emotional spent, moment when I would cry because I felt so overwhelmed with problems I myself created. I can honestly say I HATED being thought of as weak. Because I am not.
When I wrote the statement on face book I started to think about my weaknesses and I realize that what I was calling weakness was not weakness at all.
I’ve gone through things, endured pain, and made mistakes just like anyone else and maybe a little more than others. I hated the thought that others might think I was weak , if I cried, was too emotional, expressed my anger, or complained about an injustice. I kept my feelings very well tucked in or so I thought. I tried to be positive and upbeat but there were things happening in my life that would bring a grown man to his knees. I’m not WEAK. ! I would say this to myself as if to tell the world but the one that needed to believe it was me. I have made many strides in this journey called my life. Lost a few friends, family bonds that I thought were strong sort of dissolved but I was and I am willing to do this work of finding myself.
Which means really defining who I am on my terms and WEAK I am not. I am an emotional woman , full of compassion and grace and if that makes me weak I will be that because it’s who I am.
But if you look up the word Weak in the dictionary you will not find me there.
Now Vulnerable yes that I am !! Because I have chosen to open my heart to all there is to being me, so that I can reconnect with my soul. It’s actually my SOUL PURPOSE.
In being Vulnerable I open myself to all possibilities including the possibility to be hurt, taken advantage of and being harmed. Knowing theses things I still seek to take this journey and everyday I’m learning new things about myself, new feelings to explore and old ways that were not working for me find themselves discarded. It’s not easy walking to the beat of my own drum, making up the rules as I go along.
Yes I’m scared but I am by no means WEAK. I am vulnerable to being hurt, harmed, taken advantage of and all those thing we women seem to think make us WEAK , but when I open myself to those things I also open myself to be loved, trusted, comforted , cared for and most of all I open my mind to find the strength I need to be good to myself even when all else seems to be against me. I open myself to find that love within and it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world. No I am NOT a weak woman. I am a divine spiritual soul on a journey to reconnect and remember my true nature…LOVE
Sometimes I'm afraid to be weak because I fear I will be judged, then I realize that the judgment comes from me but I’m strong enough to understand that weakness is not of me. I don’t have to embrace my weakness because they never were. I choose not to judge myself, instead I can experience myself. And you know what it’s okay to be afraid, when I’m afraid it’s because I don’t know and when I don’t have any preconceived ideas of how things should be I’m open to the greatest possibilities of how things are. By allowing myself to let go of my idea or how it’s always been my soul speaks to me.
Tonight I allowed myself to be still so that I could understand what it was that I was feeling and this that I write was my answer. It’s not simple, maybe even complicated but when you really think about it, it’s my spirit teaching me that I’m important and the things that I think are true are false if they do not come from LOVE.
There is no real weakness, there is only acceptance of all that I am, and I am Everything !
A Conversation with You
August 19, 2008
There are so many things that I need to tell you, but I’m not sure you will understand.
You see I’m hoping that you’re one of these new kinds of bruthas that are bringing back the real meaning of man.
There are things to be said, conversation to be had and thoughts to be provoked when two people are trying to get to know one another.
There are thing about me that you should know so that there are no misunderstanding, no lack of comprehension, no falsehood, or misguiding.
I need you to know that I’m not looking for a lover, a lil friend, or a “in case of sexual emergency call”……I need a man that will stick with me for the long haul.
To build a relationship, not just have relations with.
I’m saying these things to you because I know that the old belief that “if you love me you would know” doesn’t work, that is unless you are psychic.
I understand that I have to express to you what I need from you so that we can come to an understanding before moving on to another phase of this relationship. They say a closed mouth doesn’t get fed, so I feel obligated to feed you who I am so that you can marinate in the thought of me, and figure out if this is a meal you wish to consume.
At this stage in my life I’m very knowledgeable in who I am, what I need and Want from a man and I also understand that these needs can and will change, but some needs I know will stay the same.
I need romance in my life and only you can provide this so I need you to be romantic, lets have a picnic, or walk in the rain (don’t worry baby I can get my hair wet). Call me and tell me that you were thinking of me. Don’t be afraid to show me your vulnerability, because I am your tranquility and I will care for those feelings you share. When I say that I want a man to be sensitive to my needs, I understand fully that you will also be sensitive to yours and I will not criticize this …it’s what I need.
I understand and know that you cannot be my all, my everything , I should not rely on you for my happiness because my happiness is my responsibility.
My intention is to be happy with you. I come to you as a whole person not half of one expecting you to complete me. You carry enough responsibility. let do this together and truly create a partnership with two people becoming one, making two. Not two halves making a whole, for some reason that has proven not to work.
Allow me to take care of you I know it’s hard sometimes to accept this as real, but I have no other motive than expressing how I feel. Allow me to be the true essence of woman.
All that you give will be returned 100 times over. I am a woman that fully understands her role in a man’s life. I will uplift, support and inspire you to be the man god has meant for you to be. I have a natural need to show and express my love, I need you to inspire me, motivate me, and encourage me to give this love to you. Don’t just assume that you got me and that’s all there is to do?
Let’s cuddle together and watch a favorite movie, or sit on the porch and read poetry to each other with the rain making gentle music in the background. Let‘s talk about those past experiences that have made you the man you are today with no judgment or interrogations about your past love frustrations. After all we all have past lessons that created who we are today and getting to know those things about each other will be worth what we have to say.
Let’s dance to our favorite slow jams. Talk about growing up, favorite food, who we wish to be, what we want to do, just sharing in each others lives sounds nice.
I need you to understand my dreams and aspirations, and if our energy is on the same journey stand with me in this book called my life and even write a chapter or two then we can start the book on our life.
Let’s have long conversations so that we can get to know each other even before we are….. in each other.
Isn’t that what we complain about “had I just taken the time to get to know him/her” isn’t time what it’s about?
Let’s do this for each other take the time and leave no doubt. Ask me for the things you need instead of assuming, because only when you tell me can you be sure that I know. Let’s communicate and make a decision never to stop.
I want to be your cheerleader, not the one out in front grabbing the spotlight waving pom poms and saying to the world “look who he is because of me”!!! I want to be the one you turn to, the one that needs no spot light in your journey because when you shine your light also shines on me, but I do need you to include me in your journey if this is were you need me to be, because this allows us to make memories. At some point if we are the right ones for each other our journeys will have the same outcome so we must be able to express our dreams and goals and together if it’s god’s will…...make it happen.
You must be thinking that I’m hiding something because finances have yet to be mentioned.
Why is it that we are so scared of this topic, can you and I speak on this and answer these questions to each other. Do you really believe a woman is only after what a man can give her financially? Do I really believe that all a man will do is lay up in my home make no contribution, get a piece of my love and then bounce? Let’s talk and see what we think.
But let me say this and maybe you will feel more at ease. I believe a man should be able to provide not only financially, but emotionally, sexually, and physically.
For a very long time I’ve provided those things for myself.
I took care of my emotional need because that it what I must do. I have yet to find a man that I can be emotionally liberated with and not be told I’m weak or too emotional. I’ve had to provide and prepare for my own financial needs and I do a great job of it, but I still need you.
I’ve raised 3 children on my own and have done a very good job so I had to get my hustle on, but I still love you.
I can repair my own garbage disposal, take out the trash, and fix my breaks…. I’ve had to, but I still need and want you.
When my body aches to release sexual tension I can pleasure myself for hours, but it’s not you …I still desire you.
Plain and simple, no matter how I’ve had to step it up in my life because of the choices I’ve made you have always been someone I want and need by my side….my man
I will love you when you’re making the dollars, and I will love and support you more when times get hard and you’re pounding the pavement trying to get back on top.
Know this: when and if those times show up you can rest assure that I will hold it down until our time comes back around.
I don’t need you to fill all my needs, that is the reason why we have so many different relationships in our lifetime, we have friends, sisters, brothers, children, Pastor, parents and so many more and there is always someone that can fill a certain need, but as my man, and future husband there are some needs that only you can and should fill as there are some needs that for you only I can and should fill.
With you I want to do things right. I want to have a healthy relationship. I want us to discuss all those things we neglected to discuss in our past relationships. Like what do you consider cheating and will my feelings on that have an effect on your perspective?
What is spending time together? Is it riding home in the same car, bathing together? Although that last one is very nice….lol but what does spending time mean to you? What are the agreement about finances?
Do we know when it’s okay to give each other advice? Do we always need to give it? Or just stop to listen.
These are things we should talk about. Do you need me to watch the game with you? Can I just make all the snacks and leave you and the boys to yourselves? Can I discuss a problem with you without you feeling that I want you to solve it for me? Can we try to be the best we can in each other?
Some of these things although they may seem petty are things that if important enough can ruin a relationship if they were not respected ……so let’s talk about them.
Let’s LISTEN to each other.
I want to be ONE of the most important people in your life, not a second thought. I want to be the first person you say good morning to and I want you to know that because you are in my life every morning is good. I want be the last person you say goodnight to and have visions of me while you sleep …is that scary? I want you to know that I see you even when the things I see in you have yet to manifest. I want to see myself in your eyes, and always be able to make you smile. We can have this and more baby.
We we just have to be committed to take it there…can you make that commitment?
I need you to woo me, win me over, sweep me off my feet because I will do everything in my power to get into your heart, knock you off your feet and convince you that I’m the real deal. Can you see yourself building a life with me? Leaving a legacy of love, friendship and commitment for others to follow, for our children to be proud of?
I’m stepping up! I’m stepping to you; I’m coming to you with something real I don’t have much right now just the way I feel.
Can I offer you the promise of nothing but the best to come?. I’m putting myself out there because I’m feeling you, I’m not afraid of rejection what do I have to lose? I’m not afraid to let you know what I need and expect from you, I’m not afraid to allow you to love me, I’m not afraid to trust because not trusting you means I don’t trust myself , I’m not afraid to make a mistake because that is how I grow.
I’m not afraid to start a life with you although I don’t know you…..YET.
He Inspires Me
He inspires me to be me.
In all my raw nudity he finds my beauty.
In the nakedness of me he finds comfort.
Never have I been so aroused by the simple, yet natural feeling of acceptance.
In his eyes I can see myself as only he can see me, and with every moment we share he
Brings out all that is me.
He inspires me without saying a word, to discover what had laid uncovered the essence of my womanhood which only seeks to be understood
Without touching he brings me to my natural state of being …one with me.
Understanding that as I unfold into myself I am opening to the world all of my goodness which can leave him breathless, and eagerly anticipating the joining of our souls
He inspires me to sing the songs of my tears. with every drop leaving behind my insecurities, mistakes and fears.
He inspires me, he inspires me , he…inspires me
Through the distance he encourages me to flow into feelings I have yet to experience , taste joy I only dreamed of , and embrace the sadness that engulfs my love.
Releasing me to drink of life, without judgment, constrictions or expectations.
He inspires me to be all woman. Excepting the masculine and feminine of me , challenging me to go deeper by accepting my journey, and understanding that at times I have to walk alone, yet I can always feels him as he walks his path to a destiny unknown.
He inspires me to be what I say and say what I am to be , such is he and he is what he is.
As turbulent as the pull of the moon, as gentle as a summers breeze, as comforting as a mothers embrace as passionate as two lovers finding themselves at a lose for words , where only the essence of their love can speak ….he is what inspires me.
To stay strong and be weak, to continue the path that I seek. To be demure and submissive, to be the voice that give us…breath.
To rise in all my glory , to inspire others with my story. To be the power of my truth of old, that holds the keys to the mysteries yet to unfold.
He inspired my mind to feel this rhyme, understanding that I am just and evolution in time, of what he is, what he brings, what he sees, what he feels , all that he is lives in me not just in his seed but in what he deems he is. The very basic of my needs, the aspiration of dreams …..he IN-SPIRES ME,
to be the love I seek, the truth I am, and the honesty to be had. He inspires me to listen and learn the very basics of speaking not to be heard but to hear every word that I say , through me he speaks.
He inspires me to constantly challenge myself to be the woman I wish to offer the world not for him but for me.
He inspires me.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
my thoughts
Today I was in a little funk. It was a day of things not going my way, pressure mounting for me to come through as a mom, financial issues, school issues, deadlines etc. you name it, thing were just coming up. I was feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. On top of all this I was experiencing a case of the loneliness.
I had been fighting it off it seem from the time I awoke. With the loneliness comes the realization that it’s just me. I’m it. I begun to feel sorry for myself. Trust me I know when it’s happening I’ve done it enough to see it coming. But you see this is not a place I wish to visit I decided 5 years ago that I would make my life different by changing my behaviors, thoughts and beliefs and I’m doing pretty good. I’m proud of what I have accomplished. It may not be much to most but I am a new me and no one can begin to understand what I’ve struggled with unless they have been where I’ve been.
I remember thinking when I first set out on this journey that I would just learn new behaviors and thoughts and retrain my consciousness and I would be done. That is such an adorable thought, but it’s not reality.
I still have funky days, they will happen. They happen to us all. I still fight with old thoughts that creep up and tell me that I’m not good enough. That my life is a mess and it will always be. Or that I can’t get things right.
I still have these thoughts they don’t magically disappear just because I now fill my home with positive affirmations, or because I’ve read 75 self-help books or gone to 12 make your life better works shops. They are there just waiting for a little break in my resolve, a little window of fear and opportunity to bring me back to the belief that I am helpless. I believe that because I have made a decision to not go back to the woman I use to be I can clearly see when things are happening in my life that would or do have the potential to get me down. I ask myself questions about how I’m feeling and why? Most of the time my own mind lies to me , my ego takes over and I function through what I call ego living, not a good place to be because you are always checking for what others have that you don’t or what others do that you can’t. trust me that kind of living is not very good for anyone it defeats the purpose of living because you are always looking for something that you assume you lack.
But anyway I digress I was talking about my funky disposition yesterday. I was really feeling tired, and I just wanted to just give all my problems to anyone but me , this is the point where I start to think that being a 60’s woman would be great. If all I had to do was look beautiful and only think of what I was going to cook for dinner that would be heaven. Then I started to yearn for all the things I don’t have, especially not having a partner, a man, a husband , a companion. Not having that person that I could talk to and would support me and love me . That person I can lean on and feel protected by, because although I am doing the dayum thing by myself , I’m not doing it because I want to I’m doing it because I had to.
This is a hard journey , the journey of getting to know yourself and it can be very lonely , but I realize that it’s never as bad as my mind wants me to believe . I do have someone that I can talk to, someone that makes me feel safe, secure , supported and yes loved and appreciated. Sometimes we can get so overwhelmed with life that we forget what we do have. So my relationship is a little different than a traditional relationship, I get what I need from it. It would be very easy for me to talk myself out of being in a great relationship because it’s not what most would call normal. I could talk myself into a funk because my day is not going as planned , or what I expected it to be.
The conversations I have with myself are what gets me through these times. I understand how my mind use to function and these thoughts do not go away. It’s a constant struggle because they come up at the most inconvenient time.
There are days when I feel invincible and powerful and that little voice will come in disguised as fear and try to convince me that I can’t do something . It’s important for me to push past these thought because through the fear , on the other side is who I am. Just waiting for me to succeed.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to stop getting in the way of our own happiness. Think outside the box when it comes to making yourself happy. Sometimes it may not look like you thought it would but you have to ask yourself the questions that will allow you to dig deep and find what really makes YOU happy. Embrace the challenges even when you feel that you are not up to it, even when embracing it means questioning why you are feeling funky and being okay with the answer. I’ve learned to forgive myself for being human. I’m not suppose to be perfect nor are my feelings.
I’m very lucky to have someone that I can share my days with, my thoughts, my fears and my struggles, when it gets lonely he is always there I’m grateful for that. When I’m feeling funky or having a challenging day I check my thoughts. It’s not a magic formula I just ask myself if what I’m feeling is real or is this something I’m making up. You know what my life is what it is. Is it worse than others yes, is it better than others yes but the important thing is that it’s MY life, good or bad I love it! So I had a funky day , hmmm how can i make it better tomorrow?
I can make it better by really seeing things for what they are not what my ego says they should be .
I had been fighting it off it seem from the time I awoke. With the loneliness comes the realization that it’s just me. I’m it. I begun to feel sorry for myself. Trust me I know when it’s happening I’ve done it enough to see it coming. But you see this is not a place I wish to visit I decided 5 years ago that I would make my life different by changing my behaviors, thoughts and beliefs and I’m doing pretty good. I’m proud of what I have accomplished. It may not be much to most but I am a new me and no one can begin to understand what I’ve struggled with unless they have been where I’ve been.
I remember thinking when I first set out on this journey that I would just learn new behaviors and thoughts and retrain my consciousness and I would be done. That is such an adorable thought, but it’s not reality.
I still have funky days, they will happen. They happen to us all. I still fight with old thoughts that creep up and tell me that I’m not good enough. That my life is a mess and it will always be. Or that I can’t get things right.
I still have these thoughts they don’t magically disappear just because I now fill my home with positive affirmations, or because I’ve read 75 self-help books or gone to 12 make your life better works shops. They are there just waiting for a little break in my resolve, a little window of fear and opportunity to bring me back to the belief that I am helpless. I believe that because I have made a decision to not go back to the woman I use to be I can clearly see when things are happening in my life that would or do have the potential to get me down. I ask myself questions about how I’m feeling and why? Most of the time my own mind lies to me , my ego takes over and I function through what I call ego living, not a good place to be because you are always checking for what others have that you don’t or what others do that you can’t. trust me that kind of living is not very good for anyone it defeats the purpose of living because you are always looking for something that you assume you lack.
But anyway I digress I was talking about my funky disposition yesterday. I was really feeling tired, and I just wanted to just give all my problems to anyone but me , this is the point where I start to think that being a 60’s woman would be great. If all I had to do was look beautiful and only think of what I was going to cook for dinner that would be heaven. Then I started to yearn for all the things I don’t have, especially not having a partner, a man, a husband , a companion. Not having that person that I could talk to and would support me and love me . That person I can lean on and feel protected by, because although I am doing the dayum thing by myself , I’m not doing it because I want to I’m doing it because I had to.
This is a hard journey , the journey of getting to know yourself and it can be very lonely , but I realize that it’s never as bad as my mind wants me to believe . I do have someone that I can talk to, someone that makes me feel safe, secure , supported and yes loved and appreciated. Sometimes we can get so overwhelmed with life that we forget what we do have. So my relationship is a little different than a traditional relationship, I get what I need from it. It would be very easy for me to talk myself out of being in a great relationship because it’s not what most would call normal. I could talk myself into a funk because my day is not going as planned , or what I expected it to be.
The conversations I have with myself are what gets me through these times. I understand how my mind use to function and these thoughts do not go away. It’s a constant struggle because they come up at the most inconvenient time.
There are days when I feel invincible and powerful and that little voice will come in disguised as fear and try to convince me that I can’t do something . It’s important for me to push past these thought because through the fear , on the other side is who I am. Just waiting for me to succeed.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to stop getting in the way of our own happiness. Think outside the box when it comes to making yourself happy. Sometimes it may not look like you thought it would but you have to ask yourself the questions that will allow you to dig deep and find what really makes YOU happy. Embrace the challenges even when you feel that you are not up to it, even when embracing it means questioning why you are feeling funky and being okay with the answer. I’ve learned to forgive myself for being human. I’m not suppose to be perfect nor are my feelings.
I’m very lucky to have someone that I can share my days with, my thoughts, my fears and my struggles, when it gets lonely he is always there I’m grateful for that. When I’m feeling funky or having a challenging day I check my thoughts. It’s not a magic formula I just ask myself if what I’m feeling is real or is this something I’m making up. You know what my life is what it is. Is it worse than others yes, is it better than others yes but the important thing is that it’s MY life, good or bad I love it! So I had a funky day , hmmm how can i make it better tomorrow?
I can make it better by really seeing things for what they are not what my ego says they should be .
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dating (glendaliz2010)
DATING......
Life is all about change and being open to change. You have to be able to recognize that what you have been doing isn't working and go ahead and try something new, another way to get the result you wish to get.
This year I'm attempting to change my status from “single” to “in a relationship "so I'll be dating!! and I'm sharing my journey and my life with anyone that will listen or read. Why am I doing this? Well as I bring down the walls I've created, I really want people to know who I am. The soft side of me, the ghetto girl, the mom, the sister, the fighter, all of me. So I'm trying a few things, this being one of them.
My sister has started a “Date my Sister group” on her site www.maritorres.ning.com , I have a profile up on a singles site, and I also participate in singles events in my area so I'm trying to be proactive in my dating experience. I've gotten lots of e-mails and comment by women who are going or have gone through some of the things that I write about. I love reading what they say because it makes me feel closer to them in the knowledge that we are Women and we will go through these issues and complications and NO we are not alone in this, so please keep the e-mails coming I love them.
So this dating thing can be pretty scary. It's not as simple as you would think because we are dealing with people , relating with them and interacting with them and that involves emotions . Yes I said it, EMOTIONS.
It can be a bit messy because even if YOU feel you are emotionally ready (you have done some emotional work on yourself) that does not prepare you to get back into the thick of things, yes you have changed but everyone else might still be the same.
That was a rude awakening for me. I thought that since I worked on me I would attract someone like me....yeah no. I had to step back again and think about what I was trying to do in this thing called dating. Then I realized that although I had done the work the actual dating was going to be the hands on part of my schooling. This was going to be where I put everything I have learned about myself, relationships, the opposite sex and the world as I see it in general to practice.
I was still scared but very willing to learn whatever it is these relationship will teach me.
When you think about it, dating can be pretty enlightening. You definitely learn what you don't like.
I went out with a gentleman that was so shy and so nervous that he just could not say anything but “wow I can't believe you're actually here” throughout the whole dinner date. That date really taught me that I do want someone that is secure and has good conversations. So dating is not bad if you take it for what it is and learn the lessons that dating brings.
If you dated someone and then it went sour and now you're all over the internet berating this person, or talking about how horrible men/women are then you did not learn what you were suppose to learn from this encounter and guess what? you will continue to experience this until you get the lesson. Life is funny that way. Life wants you to succeed. It's like a video game, do you recall ever playing a video game and you had to learn certain section before moving to the next and as you progressed you got better at applying what you learn but the levels got harder? Well life is like that in every aspect including dating, you just have to keep at it until you get the results you want.....then you Win!
So he lied and said he was ready for a committed relationship and 4 months into the relationship you find out that HE doesn't even consider you a relationship. Dust yourself off and try again but take time to think about what you did in this relationship, did you ignore some flags, did you commit to it too fast, were you both not communicating where the relationship was going , if anywhere? Take time to learn the lessons. Maybe the lesson was that you have to listen to your inner voice . Whatever the case may be there is always a lesson "You" have to learn in order to move on.
Life is all about change and being open to change. You have to be able to recognize that what you have been doing isn't working and go ahead and try something new, another way to get the result you wish to get.
This year I'm attempting to change my status from “single” to “in a relationship "so I'll be dating!! and I'm sharing my journey and my life with anyone that will listen or read. Why am I doing this? Well as I bring down the walls I've created, I really want people to know who I am. The soft side of me, the ghetto girl, the mom, the sister, the fighter, all of me. So I'm trying a few things, this being one of them.
My sister has started a “Date my Sister group” on her site www.maritorres.ning.com , I have a profile up on a singles site, and I also participate in singles events in my area so I'm trying to be proactive in my dating experience. I've gotten lots of e-mails and comment by women who are going or have gone through some of the things that I write about. I love reading what they say because it makes me feel closer to them in the knowledge that we are Women and we will go through these issues and complications and NO we are not alone in this, so please keep the e-mails coming I love them.
So this dating thing can be pretty scary. It's not as simple as you would think because we are dealing with people , relating with them and interacting with them and that involves emotions . Yes I said it, EMOTIONS.
It can be a bit messy because even if YOU feel you are emotionally ready (you have done some emotional work on yourself) that does not prepare you to get back into the thick of things, yes you have changed but everyone else might still be the same.
That was a rude awakening for me. I thought that since I worked on me I would attract someone like me....yeah no. I had to step back again and think about what I was trying to do in this thing called dating. Then I realized that although I had done the work the actual dating was going to be the hands on part of my schooling. This was going to be where I put everything I have learned about myself, relationships, the opposite sex and the world as I see it in general to practice.
I was still scared but very willing to learn whatever it is these relationship will teach me.
When you think about it, dating can be pretty enlightening. You definitely learn what you don't like.
I went out with a gentleman that was so shy and so nervous that he just could not say anything but “wow I can't believe you're actually here” throughout the whole dinner date. That date really taught me that I do want someone that is secure and has good conversations. So dating is not bad if you take it for what it is and learn the lessons that dating brings.
If you dated someone and then it went sour and now you're all over the internet berating this person, or talking about how horrible men/women are then you did not learn what you were suppose to learn from this encounter and guess what? you will continue to experience this until you get the lesson. Life is funny that way. Life wants you to succeed. It's like a video game, do you recall ever playing a video game and you had to learn certain section before moving to the next and as you progressed you got better at applying what you learn but the levels got harder? Well life is like that in every aspect including dating, you just have to keep at it until you get the results you want.....then you Win!
So he lied and said he was ready for a committed relationship and 4 months into the relationship you find out that HE doesn't even consider you a relationship. Dust yourself off and try again but take time to think about what you did in this relationship, did you ignore some flags, did you commit to it too fast, were you both not communicating where the relationship was going , if anywhere? Take time to learn the lessons. Maybe the lesson was that you have to listen to your inner voice . Whatever the case may be there is always a lesson "You" have to learn in order to move on.
Rock Bottom
Emotionally I was devastated, my mother was barely speaking to me , I had put my children through some major drama, my self-esteem was no where to be found and my life was going no where really fast. I needed to get away...run away, hide, lick my wounds. My children were going to Boston to visit with their dad and he asked me to come with them. This would give me time away from all this madness and I could think about what to do next.
We were in Boston 2 weeks when my brother called to tell me my father had died. I was on the Next flight back home.
This was a very dark time for me. I can still feel the pain of losing my father today as much as when he died. I don't think you ever get over it, you just learn to live with it and think more of the life instead of the death of that loved one. The break up of my 17 year marriage, the abuse I put myself through in the relationship following that break up and now the loss of my father took me to the very edge of my sanity. In less than 24 months I was going through it all.
In the last year I decided to write a book. I still don't have the title , but it's my story.
This is the introduction to my book
We were in Boston 2 weeks when my brother called to tell me my father had died. I was on the Next flight back home.
This was a very dark time for me. I can still feel the pain of losing my father today as much as when he died. I don't think you ever get over it, you just learn to live with it and think more of the life instead of the death of that loved one. The break up of my 17 year marriage, the abuse I put myself through in the relationship following that break up and now the loss of my father took me to the very edge of my sanity. In less than 24 months I was going through it all.
In the last year I decided to write a book. I still don't have the title , but it's my story.
This is the introduction to my book
“ When can my heart beat again, when does the pain ever end, when do the tears stop from running over , and when will my get over it begin”
-Baby face-
-Baby face-
She kneels at the foot of her bed clutching her abdomen. Sob escaping her lips, as tears streak down her face. Her head feels like it's about to explode; how did it come to this ? She asks herself. She is alone in her home. The children are out with friends. She is alone.
She looks around her room and again a pain rocks her as she realizes just how utterly alone she really is. She curls into a fetal position and continues to cry and sob until she has fallen asleep.
When she awakens she can't remember if she dreams or not. As she picks herself off the floor she can still see a few wet spots where she laid crying. She walks to the dresser and looks in the mirror. Who are you? What am I going to do? This can not be the life I am meant to live! She continues to stare at herself in the mirror as tears run down her face. She recalls all the things she wanted to do with her life, all the dreams she had. Her marriage , career, family nothing is like she imagined it or wanted it to be. WHY, WHY, WHY, can't I get this right!
She looks around her room and again a pain rocks her as she realizes just how utterly alone she really is. She curls into a fetal position and continues to cry and sob until she has fallen asleep.
When she awakens she can't remember if she dreams or not. As she picks herself off the floor she can still see a few wet spots where she laid crying. She walks to the dresser and looks in the mirror. Who are you? What am I going to do? This can not be the life I am meant to live! She continues to stare at herself in the mirror as tears run down her face. She recalls all the things she wanted to do with her life, all the dreams she had. Her marriage , career, family nothing is like she imagined it or wanted it to be. WHY, WHY, WHY, can't I get this right!
What am I doing wrong? How am I suppose to know what to do? Which way to go? what road to take! As she walks out of her bedroom she feels an emptiness like no other she has ever felt before, a painful lightness as if there is nothing inside her, just a hollowness. She realizes she has hit an emotional rock bottom , a spiritual disconnection and she knows she can not stay there in that place for very long. She walks to the living room, there she stops and smells her fathers chair. Although faded she can still smell the scent of him, it's there.
She looks at the family pictures on the wall and tears start to flow freely again.
Her marriage of 17 years to her childhood sweetheart fell apart and disintegrated right before her eyes a few years back. She lost the home she shared with her husband and children. She was forced to seek homeless assistance and scatter her children with relatives so that they would not have to endure living in the motel her homeless voucher paid for.
Her marriage of 17 years to her childhood sweetheart fell apart and disintegrated right before her eyes a few years back. She lost the home she shared with her husband and children. She was forced to seek homeless assistance and scatter her children with relatives so that they would not have to endure living in the motel her homeless voucher paid for.
She got into a relationship that was never a relationship at all, it was another one of life's jokes and it left her disappointed and disgusted with herself and they way her life was going.
She was a failure.
The death of her father devastated her, it was so unexpected. One minute he is there the next she is getting a call from her brother telling her that her father is dead.
She was a failure.
The death of her father devastated her, it was so unexpected. One minute he is there the next she is getting a call from her brother telling her that her father is dead.
This was too much to bear, the pain was too great, the hurt too deep. This pain was compounded by everything else she carried with her, all the loss that surrounded her , the lost love,loss of trust, lost relationships, loss of self, a girl lonely, a woman lost desperate for help.
As she looks at the family pictures she feels nothing but loss , she lean against the wall and lets herself slide to the floor. As tears stream down her face she mourns the loss of her father, the loss of her relationships, the loss of her innocence , the loss of her family the loss of her dignity , the loss of her self. As she taste the saltiness of her tears she looks around and knows that she has to do whatever it takes to reach out and some how come out of this emotional bottom because the thinking in this place is something she does not wish to entertain, the thinking here is utter hopelessness, pity, death and sorrow yet all she can do there in the darkest place of her soul is cry, cry and cry.
As she looks at the family pictures she feels nothing but loss , she lean against the wall and lets herself slide to the floor. As tears stream down her face she mourns the loss of her father, the loss of her relationships, the loss of her innocence , the loss of her family the loss of her dignity , the loss of her self. As she taste the saltiness of her tears she looks around and knows that she has to do whatever it takes to reach out and some how come out of this emotional bottom because the thinking in this place is something she does not wish to entertain, the thinking here is utter hopelessness, pity, death and sorrow yet all she can do there in the darkest place of her soul is cry, cry and cry.
After all the crying is done there comes a stillness......................
That's was deep huh? Some of us have to go to that rock bottom to find our way up. I know that was the case for me. I'm still learning my way around this thing called life. I'm still asking questions, I'm still reinventing myself and I'm in love with me. I'm not a therapist I'm just a woman trying to find her way, a human being trying to get it right.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
happiness is.....(Glendaliz 2010)
I was not always the woman I am today and by no means am I done. It's been a long hard road, with lots of mistakes and a lot of learning and growing. I'm still learning Me, so in a sense you are learning me with me. So lets go back a little bit maybe you can relate to the things I've put myself through in my search to be HAPPY.
Happiness is ….................
We all spend a great deal of our lives searching for happiness, longing to be loved and searching that someone that will love us. Do you remembered as a child our parents telling us the recipe to happiness? It went something like this, get good grade, respect your elders, learn to cook ,clean ( some of us were told to go to college) and when you find a mate you get married have children and live happily ever after. THE END!
Although our parents meant well, that is a crock of bullshit.
Everywhere we look there is something telling is us that if we are prettier, make more money, buy that great home, find that perfect job we will be happy. Yeah okay
No one ever told me that in order for me to find someone that will love me I had to love me first and know what that felt like. Guess what in my family I was never taught how to love me I was told that someone other than me will love me.
I spent the major part of my life searching for happiness , looking for love , approval and acceptance from others. At times I sincerely thought that I had found it but that feeling of happiness never last for long and I was off again searching for it.
My happiness way always dependent on something or someone other than me. I learn to cook, clean , and be a perfect little homemaker. I got married to a dreamy (dayum he foine ) man and I was happy , but there would be periods of “is this it” something inside me was screaming for something , I just didn't know what or who the hell it was disrupting my life doing all that screaming.
I got married very young, had children (3) and threw myself into being a wife and mother. That crazy little voice would creep up every now and then and I would beat it back down. I was happy!! dammit!
My mom use to say that once you got married and had children that was what you lived for , so of course I'm not going to my mother to tell her that I'm unhappy because that would mean that I'm ungrateful. So I decided not to disappoint my family (mother) and just ignore my unhappiness, I ignored that something inside me that was longing to come out .I did this for a very long time. Maybe if my husband got that great job we would be happy, buy a new car, purchase a home. I would give great dinner parties, wonderful birthday celebration for the kids, fantastic holiday gatherings and I would be happy. I will finally be complete.
I convinced myself that being the best wife, mother, the best daughter I would finally be happy. I did everything in my power to be all those things yet I was still unhappy
All the things I was raised to believe would make me happy were not making me happy at all. In fact now I was depressed because I believed something was terribly wrong with me. On the outside it appeared as if I had it all, I had my shit together. I had 3 great kids, a good looking great husband, family to surround myself with , a job , a home, yet in the inside I was a mess, I felt as if I was lost, dying inside myself and there was no one around to save me.
That fire that lived inside of me that I was constantly putting out, that voice that I continuously ignored was fighting to come out and be heard ...my spirit wanted to live. The more I fought this the more depressed I became with my life, about my life and in my life.
Where was this elusive happiness, and why couldn't I have it? That was my question every night I went to bed. God please stop me from wanting more, please make me happy. That was my prayer every night before I went to sleep.
Where is this happiness? I did everything I was told would bring me happiness yet I was miserable.
After the birth of my 3rd child (my son)in 1993 , things started to go down hill for my marriage, no matter how much we talked or I talked things just were not getting better. I felt as if we were just going through the motions. In 1999 I just could not pretend that all was great I just could not do it any longer and my husband and I separated. He went back East and I stayed in the West Coast with my 3 children.
How could you
Happiness is ….................
We all spend a great deal of our lives searching for happiness, longing to be loved and searching that someone that will love us. Do you remembered as a child our parents telling us the recipe to happiness? It went something like this, get good grade, respect your elders, learn to cook ,clean ( some of us were told to go to college) and when you find a mate you get married have children and live happily ever after. THE END!
Although our parents meant well, that is a crock of bullshit.
Everywhere we look there is something telling is us that if we are prettier, make more money, buy that great home, find that perfect job we will be happy. Yeah okay
No one ever told me that in order for me to find someone that will love me I had to love me first and know what that felt like. Guess what in my family I was never taught how to love me I was told that someone other than me will love me.
I spent the major part of my life searching for happiness , looking for love , approval and acceptance from others. At times I sincerely thought that I had found it but that feeling of happiness never last for long and I was off again searching for it.
My happiness way always dependent on something or someone other than me. I learn to cook, clean , and be a perfect little homemaker. I got married to a dreamy (dayum he foine ) man and I was happy , but there would be periods of “is this it” something inside me was screaming for something , I just didn't know what or who the hell it was disrupting my life doing all that screaming.
I got married very young, had children (3) and threw myself into being a wife and mother. That crazy little voice would creep up every now and then and I would beat it back down. I was happy!! dammit!
My mom use to say that once you got married and had children that was what you lived for , so of course I'm not going to my mother to tell her that I'm unhappy because that would mean that I'm ungrateful. So I decided not to disappoint my family (mother) and just ignore my unhappiness, I ignored that something inside me that was longing to come out .I did this for a very long time. Maybe if my husband got that great job we would be happy, buy a new car, purchase a home. I would give great dinner parties, wonderful birthday celebration for the kids, fantastic holiday gatherings and I would be happy. I will finally be complete.
I convinced myself that being the best wife, mother, the best daughter I would finally be happy. I did everything in my power to be all those things yet I was still unhappy
All the things I was raised to believe would make me happy were not making me happy at all. In fact now I was depressed because I believed something was terribly wrong with me. On the outside it appeared as if I had it all, I had my shit together. I had 3 great kids, a good looking great husband, family to surround myself with , a job , a home, yet in the inside I was a mess, I felt as if I was lost, dying inside myself and there was no one around to save me.
That fire that lived inside of me that I was constantly putting out, that voice that I continuously ignored was fighting to come out and be heard ...my spirit wanted to live. The more I fought this the more depressed I became with my life, about my life and in my life.
Where was this elusive happiness, and why couldn't I have it? That was my question every night I went to bed. God please stop me from wanting more, please make me happy. That was my prayer every night before I went to sleep.
Where is this happiness? I did everything I was told would bring me happiness yet I was miserable.
After the birth of my 3rd child (my son)in 1993 , things started to go down hill for my marriage, no matter how much we talked or I talked things just were not getting better. I felt as if we were just going through the motions. In 1999 I just could not pretend that all was great I just could not do it any longer and my husband and I separated. He went back East and I stayed in the West Coast with my 3 children.
Dear Husband
Why don’t we talk anymore?
It seems that we are more like roommates
Than husband and wife.
I try to reach you and tell you how I feel
But you have no clue, you don’t see what I see.
I get lonely even when you’re around
Now how ridiculous does that sound?
It’s not suppose to be this way
I question my actions why do I stay?
You’re my husband and I love you
I really do, but I can’t keep loving enough for two.
I can’t keep thinking that things will change
Cause when they do it’s only for a few days.
Why don’t I feel loved anymore?
It’s gotten so that I feel that loving me is a chore.
The only time we even touch is when we’re making love
And even then it’s so rehearsed that we make nothing at all.
The worst is feeling that I don’t seem to matter to enough for you
To listen to what I have to say.
So don’t be surprised if one day you can’t find me, if I disappear
In search of my own way.
You can say I got tired of living alone day to day.
Dear husband, I tried to love for the both of us, but I now know
That doesn’t work.
It seems that we are more like roommates
Than husband and wife.
I try to reach you and tell you how I feel
But you have no clue, you don’t see what I see.
I get lonely even when you’re around
Now how ridiculous does that sound?
It’s not suppose to be this way
I question my actions why do I stay?
You’re my husband and I love you
I really do, but I can’t keep loving enough for two.
I can’t keep thinking that things will change
Cause when they do it’s only for a few days.
Why don’t I feel loved anymore?
It’s gotten so that I feel that loving me is a chore.
The only time we even touch is when we’re making love
And even then it’s so rehearsed that we make nothing at all.
The worst is feeling that I don’t seem to matter to enough for you
To listen to what I have to say.
So don’t be surprised if one day you can’t find me, if I disappear
In search of my own way.
You can say I got tired of living alone day to day.
Dear husband, I tried to love for the both of us, but I now know
That doesn’t work.
Love
Your wife
Your wife
I didn't even give myself time to breath, heal or any of that good stuff you're suppose to do, I flew straight into another relationship in search of the happiness I'm suppose to be having. Did I mention that I was a mess? Yes I was an emotional wreck, but by this time I was so good at faking it that I actually convinced myself that I knew what I needed.
That relationship lasted 2 years but it ended 6 months into the relationship. Why did it last 1/1/2 years longer than it should have? Because I was also raised to stick it out, and if I made this decision then even if it's not good for me I have to live with it. Well that philosophy went out the window when he started doing drugs and cheating on me and when it got physical it was time for me to go.
That relationship lasted 2 years but it ended 6 months into the relationship. Why did it last 1/1/2 years longer than it should have? Because I was also raised to stick it out, and if I made this decision then even if it's not good for me I have to live with it. Well that philosophy went out the window when he started doing drugs and cheating on me and when it got physical it was time for me to go.
What attracted me to this man? He made me feel that I could do anything I set my heart to do, he listen to my dreams and made me believe he wanted to take care of me......just as long as I did anything he asked me to do without question. Yeah right .
I didn't think there was any lesson to learn from this experience because at the time I was still a HOT, HOT mess., but I did learn a valuable lesson actually a few. I just was not ready to see them at that time.
I didn't think there was any lesson to learn from this experience because at the time I was still a HOT, HOT mess., but I did learn a valuable lesson actually a few. I just was not ready to see them at that time.
One thing I know today is how to spot another person who is deep in HOT mess....they blame everyone but themselves for what is occurring in their life.
Now I know you are saying to yourself “ I know she learn lots of valuable lessons and finally got it” Whateva! There was nothing wrong with me. Nothing to learn.
Even though I was the one that walked out of this relationship it hurt me like nothing I could have imagined. Instead of saying to myself good riddance or thank God I got out of that, I berated myself.
Even though I was the one that walked out of this relationship it hurt me like nothing I could have imagined. Instead of saying to myself good riddance or thank God I got out of that, I berated myself.
I cried myself to sleep at night asking myself “what did I do wrong”? Maybe if I was sexier, or lost 20 pounds he would not have cheated? If I paid more attention maybe he would not have done drugs. Then sometimes it would sound like this , “how stupid could you be to get with a man that does drugs”. Then it hit me , everything was a lie. He was never the person he made himself out to be, I felt even worse. How could I let myself get swept away by bullshit!
How could you
How could you have known that the life saver
He offered was defective?
How could you have known that the
Warmth of his embrace one day would
Burn you?
How could you have known that his
Words would cut you, that
Your world would be turned
Upside down because
You believed him.
How could you have known that the
Touch you craved to the point of pain
was the prelude to the pain.
That the lips that took you to heaven
Would one day send you
straight to hell.
How could you have known that his
“I love you” really said “I own you”
That the love making was really a
Violation
that with every thrust you
would lose yourself.
How could you have known that by
Loving him you would hate
Yourself.
Trying to be perfect for him.
How could you have known that
He really didn’t love you.
IF you could have known…..Would you?
He offered was defective?
How could you have known that the
Warmth of his embrace one day would
Burn you?
How could you have known that his
Words would cut you, that
Your world would be turned
Upside down because
You believed him.
How could you have known that the
Touch you craved to the point of pain
was the prelude to the pain.
That the lips that took you to heaven
Would one day send you
straight to hell.
How could you have known that his
“I love you” really said “I own you”
That the love making was really a
Violation
that with every thrust you
would lose yourself.
How could you have known that by
Loving him you would hate
Yourself.
Trying to be perfect for him.
How could you have known that
He really didn’t love you.
IF you could have known…..Would you?
My Mate (Glendaliz2010)
My Mate
Have you ever imagined what that person that you yearn for will be like? When I imagine my mate I can never see his face. I want to but it just doesn't materialize that way for me. I mean I can describe what I'm attracted to , Full lips, soft skin, smiling eyes, beautiful teeth, great smile..etc but I can't put it together to make one man. That seems to elude me.
So when I imagine my mate and I, it's more what I want the relationship to look like and the feelings being with this man will evoke. That is how I will know.
One thing for sure my mate is tall, I'm 5'1” but I love a tall man 5'10 and over. Something about a tall man just makes me feel protected and I love that feeling. He is intelligent ( intelligence is SEXY) we have conversations on just about everything but what I love most about him is that when he doesn't know something he is willing to say so and look for the answer. He loves my sense of humor and understands where it comes from. He is kind and compassionate.
He feels and understands the connection we have to each other, and has a spiritual respect for others. My mate is very good looking and waking up to his smiling face put a pep in my step everyday. He is successful and motivated.
He supports me in the things I do. We have intimate conversations that at times go on for hours. We love each others company and enjoy exploring our surrounding and traveling. He is not afraid to kiss me, touch me or shower me with love he understands that having a good woman is a very good thing. He loves being with his family and shares a very special bond with them. He has a high sex drive that I take advantage of ALL the time...lol when we make love there is nothing we will not do to please each other.
He is very romantic, I can always find a note, a letter , an e-mail or something that he has left me telling me how much I am loved and appreciated. He is not afraid to share his feeling with me, although sometimes he may take a little longer to do so , I know that eventually he will share. We give each other the space needed to explore things outside of us, we are both independent of each other but at the same time depending on each other.
There is nothing I will not do for this man and he knows this and is secure in that knowledge. He never stops me from being as loving as I wish to be toward him and this makes me love him even more.
I take interest in things that he is involved with and he does the same for me. He enjoys spending time with my children ( he thinks my daughters are hilarious and a lil crazy) and is a great role model to my son Thomas. I Adore this man.
That is my man , isn't he wonderful ? I think so too.
So now that we know what my man looks like maybe we can speed up his arrival. I need you to send positive energy my way.
In the meantime I will just prepare myself for his arrival and kiss a few toads along the way. I'm sure he won't mind....toad kisses taste like chicken....lol
But for you, well you get special treatment I will give you a little more insight into my life and who I am.
What?
You thought this was going to be just about my love life?? come on now. My love life is not so interesting that I can just blog about that part. Who's love life is that interesting?
Okay so maybe other people do live super, exciting love lives but this is not about them it's about me and my search for my special man, AND that special me.
Have you ever imagined what that person that you yearn for will be like? When I imagine my mate I can never see his face. I want to but it just doesn't materialize that way for me. I mean I can describe what I'm attracted to , Full lips, soft skin, smiling eyes, beautiful teeth, great smile..etc but I can't put it together to make one man. That seems to elude me.
So when I imagine my mate and I, it's more what I want the relationship to look like and the feelings being with this man will evoke. That is how I will know.
One thing for sure my mate is tall, I'm 5'1” but I love a tall man 5'10 and over. Something about a tall man just makes me feel protected and I love that feeling. He is intelligent ( intelligence is SEXY) we have conversations on just about everything but what I love most about him is that when he doesn't know something he is willing to say so and look for the answer. He loves my sense of humor and understands where it comes from. He is kind and compassionate.
He feels and understands the connection we have to each other, and has a spiritual respect for others. My mate is very good looking and waking up to his smiling face put a pep in my step everyday. He is successful and motivated.
He supports me in the things I do. We have intimate conversations that at times go on for hours. We love each others company and enjoy exploring our surrounding and traveling. He is not afraid to kiss me, touch me or shower me with love he understands that having a good woman is a very good thing. He loves being with his family and shares a very special bond with them. He has a high sex drive that I take advantage of ALL the time...lol when we make love there is nothing we will not do to please each other.
He is very romantic, I can always find a note, a letter , an e-mail or something that he has left me telling me how much I am loved and appreciated. He is not afraid to share his feeling with me, although sometimes he may take a little longer to do so , I know that eventually he will share. We give each other the space needed to explore things outside of us, we are both independent of each other but at the same time depending on each other.
There is nothing I will not do for this man and he knows this and is secure in that knowledge. He never stops me from being as loving as I wish to be toward him and this makes me love him even more.
I take interest in things that he is involved with and he does the same for me. He enjoys spending time with my children ( he thinks my daughters are hilarious and a lil crazy) and is a great role model to my son Thomas. I Adore this man.
That is my man , isn't he wonderful ? I think so too.
So now that we know what my man looks like maybe we can speed up his arrival. I need you to send positive energy my way.
In the meantime I will just prepare myself for his arrival and kiss a few toads along the way. I'm sure he won't mind....toad kisses taste like chicken....lol
But for you, well you get special treatment I will give you a little more insight into my life and who I am.
What?
You thought this was going to be just about my love life?? come on now. My love life is not so interesting that I can just blog about that part. Who's love life is that interesting?
Okay so maybe other people do live super, exciting love lives but this is not about them it's about me and my search for my special man, AND that special me.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Want Ads (Glendaliz2010)
I read a book by Barbara DeAngelis Entitled “Are you the one for me” I love this book it's a very interesting read so if you haven't read it pick it up you will enjoy it. Anyway in this book I found some “Emotional want Ads” The first one is what most us want .
Wanted:
“Attractive, Sensitive, caring person for a permanent relationship.
Must be emotionally open, able to talk about feelings, unafraid of intimacy.
Successful but not a workaholic , with a great sense of humor.
Knows how to make me feel really loved and appreciated.
If you are healthy, honest, faithful and ready for
a commitment, I'm the one for you!”
That sounds great doesn't it. I want this person right NOW!
The books goes on to tell us how, many times we know what we want but instead of getting the things from the first “”Emotional Want Ad” we attract and end up with this :
The books goes on to tell us how, many times we know what we want but instead of getting the things from the first “”Emotional Want Ad” we attract and end up with this :
Wanted:
“Self-absorbed, damaged loser who has lots of potential and is doing nothing with it.
Must be immature, irresponsible, and lazy. Low sex drive a bonus.
No skill, background or success required. If you're looking for someone to
make empty promises to and like to blame others for your
failures, call me now. Men with jobs need not apply”.
“Self-absorbed, damaged loser who has lots of potential and is doing nothing with it.
Must be immature, irresponsible, and lazy. Low sex drive a bonus.
No skill, background or success required. If you're looking for someone to
make empty promises to and like to blame others for your
failures, call me now. Men with jobs need not apply”.
At first I thought this was hilarious, then I did the exercises in the book and realized that I was the poster child for attracting exactly what I did not want. Please pick up the book and read it. Like I said before it's very informative and insightful.
I'm an avid reader and I've come to realize that I am a work in progress, I am a never ending, always evolving spiritual being who's sole purpose in life is to manifest in this body my highest self. Basically to be the best person I can be one day at a time all the while learning about me and choosing to not make the same mistakes over and over BUT if and when I do make the same mistakes I FORGIVE myself.
I'm an avid reader and I've come to realize that I am a work in progress, I am a never ending, always evolving spiritual being who's sole purpose in life is to manifest in this body my highest self. Basically to be the best person I can be one day at a time all the while learning about me and choosing to not make the same mistakes over and over BUT if and when I do make the same mistakes I FORGIVE myself.
“ To Find out what kind of person you've been seeking,
look at the kind of partners you've ended up with”
Barbara DeAngelis, Ph. D
look at the kind of partners you've ended up with”
Barbara DeAngelis, Ph. D
I was attracting and still sometimes attract the kind of man that I'm suppose to stay away from.
They don't magically disappear, after all I am a very good looking single woman I'm not going to knock them for trying. The difference with me today is that I try very hard to listen to my innervoice, acknowledge those red flags and do what is in MY best interest. I do my very best to minimize the hurt for myself and a potential mate. I don't play around with anyone's emotions and I refuse to ALLOW anyone to play with mine lets not forget “Ghetto Girl” Still lives here.
They don't magically disappear, after all I am a very good looking single woman I'm not going to knock them for trying. The difference with me today is that I try very hard to listen to my innervoice, acknowledge those red flags and do what is in MY best interest. I do my very best to minimize the hurt for myself and a potential mate. I don't play around with anyone's emotions and I refuse to ALLOW anyone to play with mine lets not forget “Ghetto Girl” Still lives here.
With all the soul searching I've been doing and have done, I still found myself up at night thinking about my mate, the perfect man for me. On one of these nights I asked myself "Glendaliz what is it that you really want"? I thought about that for a little while and then I smiled because I realized that I didn't want perfection in a man , what I want, really want is to be able to perfectly see my imperfect man, to really see him and love him in all his imperfections that is what I most desire. I wrote the poem below on the night I realized what I needed. It was August, 2004
Imperfect man
The man for me I will find without being blind
I will take my time to find a friend
Someone in whom I can depend.
He will stimulate my mind and excite
My senses , without all the bullshit and drama
With all it’s consequences.
We will take the time to know one another
Without having to sex on each other.
He will be a gentleman in every way
And for this I will love him more
And more each day.
We will form a friendship based on trust
And build a foundation of love not lust.
In time in his eyes I will see
That he is in love with me.
We will be open with each other and
Share all our dreams
And one day I know happy I will be.
No longer am I looking for that perfect man
What I’m looking for is to see my
Imperfect man…..perfectly.
I will take my time to find a friend
Someone in whom I can depend.
He will stimulate my mind and excite
My senses , without all the bullshit and drama
With all it’s consequences.
We will take the time to know one another
Without having to sex on each other.
He will be a gentleman in every way
And for this I will love him more
And more each day.
We will form a friendship based on trust
And build a foundation of love not lust.
In time in his eyes I will see
That he is in love with me.
We will be open with each other and
Share all our dreams
And one day I know happy I will be.
No longer am I looking for that perfect man
What I’m looking for is to see my
Imperfect man…..perfectly.
Written by Glendaliz Torres
ohhhhh You all thought I didn't have poetry skills? Yup I do , now you know something else about me. I told you there is a lot more to me, just pay attention.
My Profile (Glendaliz 2010)
My Profile
I am a 44 year old woman . I'm 5'1” (fun size), brown skin, thick ( not fat), love sunsets , walks on the beach, blah blah blah. That's me trying to describe myself on a dating site. Oh yes!! I've done the singles/dating/love sites I actually still have an active profile on one. Let me tell you some of these sites are just horrible. I will take “PIMP NIGHT” at the double tree before I subject myself to some of the men on most of these sites.
Now not all sites are bad, just like not all clubs or park or laundromats are bad...lol if that's where you choose to meet men or women . Just do your research . One of the things these sites require you to do is build a profile. That can be really challenging for some, it was for me. Although my self esteem is in pretty good condition it's hard for me to describe myself or try to make a person find me interesting in 500 characters or less it's almost impossible. Actually it's pretty ridiculous especially since we will always try to put our best attributes on display.
So how realistic are these profiles?
My dilemma was how to describe myself without sounding like I'm too good to be true , or as if I'm full of myself? By the way did you know that people lie about who they are? Yeah it's true they lie....lol
Some of you may not believe this but I was on a dating/relationship hiatus for a few years, yes me Ghetto Girl I was on strike! Actually I had been making some really bad choices when it came to men so I decided to just take some time away from it all and really figure out what was wrong with me. Notice I did not say what was wrong with them. Oh yes I knew who the common denominator was...ME!
I felt that I needed to get to know me and figure out what I really wanted so that I could stop attracting all the things I didn't want. Does that make sense?
During this time I also learned what I could bring to the table and what I was lacking . During this process I learned what I really value in a relationship. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The wants, needs, must have, hell no's and I can work with , that we secretly have in our heads and are constantly adding to or deleting from.
Let me tell you all something about that mental list we have...IT'S RIDICULOUS!!!!
Have you checked on your list lately? Can you see how unrealistic these lists can be? I mean when I wrote my list out on paper I was describing Jesus!!! well minus the sex part, but I'm sure Jesus had sex and if he did it had to be perfect after all he was perfection. I digress , sorry. What I was saying is that I learned that I was a list maker, but thank God I learned what I value , what it looks like in a relationship and most of all I learned that no one person can fulfill all my needs, I have to look to myself to provide what it is I need.
That lesson open me up to a lot of mind blowing revelations about me.
So do you remember when I said “I intend to be married by the time I'm 45” yeah well at the time that I said it I was so not ready to receive what I was asking for, hell I didn't even have a clear idea of what I was asking for., and don't even act like I'm the only one making these mistakes we all do it at one time or another. I'm just putting it out there in the open for you to read, criticize, scrutinize and comment.
So I was full of shit, there I said it!
Today I'm a little more wiser, a little more enlightened, a little more open, and a lot more loving with myself (not that kind of self love) . So do I have a hard time describing myself in 500 characters or less, hell yeah because I'm so much more than what 500 characters can describe and everyday I learn something new that I must add, but if you really insist that I describe myself , if you really need to know who I am then I must do it my way …..............
Me , Myself ...and all that makes me
Ladies do you think men really want to know who we are? Do they want to move past that first impression of us and really see us? On a few occasions I have come across a man or two that really didn't ( by what they said or did) seem to want to know who I really am they only wanted that woman they first met and really didn't expect me to change( their word) at ALL.
This was very confusing to me because I felt that the more time you spend with me the more you will know of me. Isn't that the way it's suppose to work? The woman that I am feels free to love all that is Me. If there is something about me you don't understand or like we can talk about it but don't judge me,or try to use Me against Me because I don't fit your mold of how I should BE.
Because of these kinds of incidents I came up with this description of me.
Spiritual: I believe in God and was raised in the church. I'll go to church when I feel the need to but I'm not too crazy about organized religion.
Loving: I'm a very loving woman. I love physical contact so holding hands, caressing and touching is something that I will do. Cuddling is a must.
Nurturing: I enjoy taking care of those I love whether that's caring for you when you're sick or being your cheerleader, I offer my support and assistance when needed. I also enjoy caring for people in my community and I love working with youth.
Funny: I enjoy laughing and making others laugh. My sister says that I am the life of the party and she is very wise so I believe her. A night out to a comedy club is always a good thing and a great first date.
Good looking: I've been told that I'm very attractive and I believe that I am, but don't get it twisted we all don't walk around with photo-shop, I wake up good looking and after I apply my MAC I'm beautiful.
Thoughtful: I try to be considerate of the needs of others. I enjoy doing special things for birthdays, good grades, or just doing something nice to show I appreciate you. I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Ambitious: I have a strong desire to succeed, in life, love and business. I want to do more and be more than just another being breathing. I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me. I strive to be the best human being I can be. I'm returning to school to get my degree in Psychology.
Thinker: I've been accused of being a “deep “ person . I enjoy reading and learning. I think a lot , my mind is always going and at time I can over think things. I've learned not to take myself so serious but it takes me a little while to get over me.
Neat : I'm a very good housekeeper. I enjoy a clean home and I like things in order and in their place. Some call me a neat freak, others ( my children ) say I have a touch of OCD...I just like the things that I CAN control to be in order.
Shy :believe it or not I am ...lol even though you would not know it by interacting with me. I've trained myself to be out going because I didn't want to be shy but depending on the situation and surroundings I can be a little shy.
Loyal: I am very loyal with those that have earned my loyalty but because I love you I will tell you if you are wrong. Now in a relationship I am and always will be loyal to myself First.
Hood: hmmmm I have to say I am hood, and coming from that environment has helped me in many situations especially when speaking with inner city youth and also when conducting workshops, but when speaking to the people that will hire me to speak I'm all business....I can be Glendaliz Torres , or Ghetto Girl ….I've yet to set anyone's clothes on fire, flatten tires, bleached clothes, or gotten a man fired by acting a dayum fool at his job but I'm capable of doing all those things and cussing you out in English and Spanish…..just keeping it 100.
Romantic: I love Love and all that comes with it, romance is a very big part of me. Little notes, on the mirror, a call to say your special to me, or a picnic in the park these things may sound corny but they all say I care for you. I believe a man should be romance just as much as a woman. .
Sensitive: OK lets talk about this one. I've been criticized for being sensitive and I will admit I am and now that I'm in my 40's I'm even more sensitive. So yes I cry when I see the birth of a baby, I cry at wedding because of the joy I feel for the couple, sometimes I cry when I watch a movie (like my sisters keeper). If you say something that will hurt my feeling I may or may not cry , but my feeling will be hurt and you will know it. Because I am sensitive I try not to hurt those that I love and will apologize if I do. I'm learning to give myself time to think things through and not take everything said or done to me to heart it's not always about me.
Good communicator: I like to communicate my thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes it's hard for me to be around a non-communicator. Communication to me is key in any relationship. We spend too much time assuming what other said, or meant to say and not enough time really trying to understand each other. I'm working really hard to have better listening skills...what ? I'm a work in progress! Communication is something that I think I will always be learning and applying in my life. If you are a person with walls, barriers or other obstacles that keep you from having a relationship you might want to just skip me. I value communication very much and I can NOT be in any relationship without it.
Sexual: I am a highly sexual woman. I've read books that state that once in our 40's a woman's sex drive dissipates......I'm waiting. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and as far as sex I don't believe I have any inhibitions.....lets leave it at that for all y'all that thought I was gonna get all graphic and sexual...it's a description dammit ! I will talk about my sex life at another time.
Great Cook: Lets just say I can get down in the kitchen. The food network is my friend and I pretty much can cook anything I set out to cook.
Great MOM: My kids tell me that I've been and continue to be a great mom to them and again , I believe them. I'm not trying to be anyone else mom, nor am I popping out any more babies. My uterus is closed !
Okay that is me in a nutshell...lol
There is much more of me but why bore you all to death with it right now.
I am a 44 year old woman . I'm 5'1” (fun size), brown skin, thick ( not fat), love sunsets , walks on the beach, blah blah blah. That's me trying to describe myself on a dating site. Oh yes!! I've done the singles/dating/love sites I actually still have an active profile on one. Let me tell you some of these sites are just horrible. I will take “PIMP NIGHT” at the double tree before I subject myself to some of the men on most of these sites.
Now not all sites are bad, just like not all clubs or park or laundromats are bad...lol if that's where you choose to meet men or women . Just do your research . One of the things these sites require you to do is build a profile. That can be really challenging for some, it was for me. Although my self esteem is in pretty good condition it's hard for me to describe myself or try to make a person find me interesting in 500 characters or less it's almost impossible. Actually it's pretty ridiculous especially since we will always try to put our best attributes on display.
So how realistic are these profiles?
My dilemma was how to describe myself without sounding like I'm too good to be true , or as if I'm full of myself? By the way did you know that people lie about who they are? Yeah it's true they lie....lol
Some of you may not believe this but I was on a dating/relationship hiatus for a few years, yes me Ghetto Girl I was on strike! Actually I had been making some really bad choices when it came to men so I decided to just take some time away from it all and really figure out what was wrong with me. Notice I did not say what was wrong with them. Oh yes I knew who the common denominator was...ME!
I felt that I needed to get to know me and figure out what I really wanted so that I could stop attracting all the things I didn't want. Does that make sense?
During this time I also learned what I could bring to the table and what I was lacking . During this process I learned what I really value in a relationship. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The wants, needs, must have, hell no's and I can work with , that we secretly have in our heads and are constantly adding to or deleting from.
Let me tell you all something about that mental list we have...IT'S RIDICULOUS!!!!
Have you checked on your list lately? Can you see how unrealistic these lists can be? I mean when I wrote my list out on paper I was describing Jesus!!! well minus the sex part, but I'm sure Jesus had sex and if he did it had to be perfect after all he was perfection. I digress , sorry. What I was saying is that I learned that I was a list maker, but thank God I learned what I value , what it looks like in a relationship and most of all I learned that no one person can fulfill all my needs, I have to look to myself to provide what it is I need.
That lesson open me up to a lot of mind blowing revelations about me.
So do you remember when I said “I intend to be married by the time I'm 45” yeah well at the time that I said it I was so not ready to receive what I was asking for, hell I didn't even have a clear idea of what I was asking for., and don't even act like I'm the only one making these mistakes we all do it at one time or another. I'm just putting it out there in the open for you to read, criticize, scrutinize and comment.
So I was full of shit, there I said it!
Today I'm a little more wiser, a little more enlightened, a little more open, and a lot more loving with myself (not that kind of self love) . So do I have a hard time describing myself in 500 characters or less, hell yeah because I'm so much more than what 500 characters can describe and everyday I learn something new that I must add, but if you really insist that I describe myself , if you really need to know who I am then I must do it my way …..............
Me , Myself ...and all that makes me
Ladies do you think men really want to know who we are? Do they want to move past that first impression of us and really see us? On a few occasions I have come across a man or two that really didn't ( by what they said or did) seem to want to know who I really am they only wanted that woman they first met and really didn't expect me to change( their word) at ALL.
This was very confusing to me because I felt that the more time you spend with me the more you will know of me. Isn't that the way it's suppose to work? The woman that I am feels free to love all that is Me. If there is something about me you don't understand or like we can talk about it but don't judge me,or try to use Me against Me because I don't fit your mold of how I should BE.
Because of these kinds of incidents I came up with this description of me.
Spiritual: I believe in God and was raised in the church. I'll go to church when I feel the need to but I'm not too crazy about organized religion.
Loving: I'm a very loving woman. I love physical contact so holding hands, caressing and touching is something that I will do. Cuddling is a must.
Nurturing: I enjoy taking care of those I love whether that's caring for you when you're sick or being your cheerleader, I offer my support and assistance when needed. I also enjoy caring for people in my community and I love working with youth.
Funny: I enjoy laughing and making others laugh. My sister says that I am the life of the party and she is very wise so I believe her. A night out to a comedy club is always a good thing and a great first date.
Good looking: I've been told that I'm very attractive and I believe that I am, but don't get it twisted we all don't walk around with photo-shop, I wake up good looking and after I apply my MAC I'm beautiful.
Thoughtful: I try to be considerate of the needs of others. I enjoy doing special things for birthdays, good grades, or just doing something nice to show I appreciate you. I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Ambitious: I have a strong desire to succeed, in life, love and business. I want to do more and be more than just another being breathing. I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me. I strive to be the best human being I can be. I'm returning to school to get my degree in Psychology.
Thinker: I've been accused of being a “deep “ person . I enjoy reading and learning. I think a lot , my mind is always going and at time I can over think things. I've learned not to take myself so serious but it takes me a little while to get over me.
Neat : I'm a very good housekeeper. I enjoy a clean home and I like things in order and in their place. Some call me a neat freak, others ( my children ) say I have a touch of OCD...I just like the things that I CAN control to be in order.
Shy :believe it or not I am ...lol even though you would not know it by interacting with me. I've trained myself to be out going because I didn't want to be shy but depending on the situation and surroundings I can be a little shy.
Loyal: I am very loyal with those that have earned my loyalty but because I love you I will tell you if you are wrong. Now in a relationship I am and always will be loyal to myself First.
Hood: hmmmm I have to say I am hood, and coming from that environment has helped me in many situations especially when speaking with inner city youth and also when conducting workshops, but when speaking to the people that will hire me to speak I'm all business....I can be Glendaliz Torres , or Ghetto Girl ….I've yet to set anyone's clothes on fire, flatten tires, bleached clothes, or gotten a man fired by acting a dayum fool at his job but I'm capable of doing all those things and cussing you out in English and Spanish…..just keeping it 100.
Romantic: I love Love and all that comes with it, romance is a very big part of me. Little notes, on the mirror, a call to say your special to me, or a picnic in the park these things may sound corny but they all say I care for you. I believe a man should be romance just as much as a woman. .
Sensitive: OK lets talk about this one. I've been criticized for being sensitive and I will admit I am and now that I'm in my 40's I'm even more sensitive. So yes I cry when I see the birth of a baby, I cry at wedding because of the joy I feel for the couple, sometimes I cry when I watch a movie (like my sisters keeper). If you say something that will hurt my feeling I may or may not cry , but my feeling will be hurt and you will know it. Because I am sensitive I try not to hurt those that I love and will apologize if I do. I'm learning to give myself time to think things through and not take everything said or done to me to heart it's not always about me.
Good communicator: I like to communicate my thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes it's hard for me to be around a non-communicator. Communication to me is key in any relationship. We spend too much time assuming what other said, or meant to say and not enough time really trying to understand each other. I'm working really hard to have better listening skills...what ? I'm a work in progress! Communication is something that I think I will always be learning and applying in my life. If you are a person with walls, barriers or other obstacles that keep you from having a relationship you might want to just skip me. I value communication very much and I can NOT be in any relationship without it.
Sexual: I am a highly sexual woman. I've read books that state that once in our 40's a woman's sex drive dissipates......I'm waiting. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and as far as sex I don't believe I have any inhibitions.....lets leave it at that for all y'all that thought I was gonna get all graphic and sexual...it's a description dammit ! I will talk about my sex life at another time.
Great Cook: Lets just say I can get down in the kitchen. The food network is my friend and I pretty much can cook anything I set out to cook.
Great MOM: My kids tell me that I've been and continue to be a great mom to them and again , I believe them. I'm not trying to be anyone else mom, nor am I popping out any more babies. My uterus is closed !
Okay that is me in a nutshell...lol
There is much more of me but why bore you all to death with it right now.
I'm sure you want me to get to my dating adventures or lack of dating adventures. But first is there is anything about me that I left out please feel free to e-mail me or better yet leave me a comment and I will see if I can clear things up for you. Ohhhhh but I'm sure you are all thinking WAIT, I love this woman , she is perfect, I will move heaven and earth for her , how can I have her, I want to be her! Slow your roll people. I knew you guys would not let me get away with just the good stuff so here goes and let me clarify that some of these things are not necessarily bad to me, but maybe to others like....
- I rent an apartment I don't own my own home
- I'm very emotional
- My credit score is not that great and I have some Debt
- I drive a 1989 Toyota ( ugly Betty cause she doesn't look that great but she is loyal)
- Sometimes I doubt myself ,(but I'm far from being insecure)
- I can be a bit controlling ( when shit don't get done like I asked )
- I don't work out as much as I should
- I procrastinate/ I'm a crammer
- I have a high sex drive ( sometimes when I'm single like now I don't like this)
- Not into long distance relationships (but hey I could meet someone that will change my mind but so far No Go)
- I curse like a sailor
- I love Disco Music
I think that's it. I'm sure more will come out during this year long experience.
Glendaliz 2010
“By my 45th birthday I intend to be happily married to the man of my dreams”. Yup I said it at the time that I said it I was 40, four years ago. I really believed that I would be married by 45 I mean how hard can it be to find a man of my liking that is compatible with me that would want to build a life with me..a beautiful, strong, loving woman.
In 11 months I will celebrate my 45th birthday and I am still single. Should I move the date to maybe 47? or should I let 45 pass without a care because after all what I really desire is a healthy fulfilling relationship. I don't have to be married by 45 or even 47, but I do crave that special male/ female romantic relationship. I refuse to lose myself in the search of a mate to become a desperate woman willing to settle for spare moments, useless orgasms, and the fake company of Representatives. Been there done that, It did not bring me closer to my mate but it did take me to the edge of insanity which by the way is not fun at all.
Don't get me wrong I enjoy dating but it's a numbers game. The more men I get to know or date the higher my chances of meeting someone suited for me.
I've dated really great guys, and some not so great but the really great guys were great but not for me. I've dated men that said they were ready for a committed relationship, but did not even know what that looked like. A few men wanted to marry me after the first date, can we say restraining order? I've dated serial daters, and I even dated a man that wanted to make me wife number 4, yeah right!. With all this dating I was doing I still have not come close to finding my life partner. Am I discouraged.....No. Am I hopeful......of course! Am I determined...Absolutely !! I'm determined to keep it moving, keep it sexy, keep evolving and keep it fun.
So this year 2010 I'm going to share some of my experiences with you. I'm open to feed back so feel free to comment or ask questions if I'm not clear. I'll share my dating experiences or lack of. What I'm doing to expose myself to more prospects. I'll share my thoughts when I'm up at 3am writing in my journal, and basically share me being who I am.
Sometimes I'll say something that will be funny, freaky, serious, sad , silly or thoughtful but please do not be offended these are my thoughts. I will always be me of that you can be sure, so here goes a year in the life, experiences to learn from , welcome to Glendaliz 2010. CHRONICLES.
In 11 months I will celebrate my 45th birthday and I am still single. Should I move the date to maybe 47? or should I let 45 pass without a care because after all what I really desire is a healthy fulfilling relationship. I don't have to be married by 45 or even 47, but I do crave that special male/ female romantic relationship. I refuse to lose myself in the search of a mate to become a desperate woman willing to settle for spare moments, useless orgasms, and the fake company of Representatives. Been there done that, It did not bring me closer to my mate but it did take me to the edge of insanity which by the way is not fun at all.
Don't get me wrong I enjoy dating but it's a numbers game. The more men I get to know or date the higher my chances of meeting someone suited for me.
I've dated really great guys, and some not so great but the really great guys were great but not for me. I've dated men that said they were ready for a committed relationship, but did not even know what that looked like. A few men wanted to marry me after the first date, can we say restraining order? I've dated serial daters, and I even dated a man that wanted to make me wife number 4, yeah right!. With all this dating I was doing I still have not come close to finding my life partner. Am I discouraged.....No. Am I hopeful......of course! Am I determined...Absolutely !! I'm determined to keep it moving, keep it sexy, keep evolving and keep it fun.
So this year 2010 I'm going to share some of my experiences with you. I'm open to feed back so feel free to comment or ask questions if I'm not clear. I'll share my dating experiences or lack of. What I'm doing to expose myself to more prospects. I'll share my thoughts when I'm up at 3am writing in my journal, and basically share me being who I am.
Sometimes I'll say something that will be funny, freaky, serious, sad , silly or thoughtful but please do not be offended these are my thoughts. I will always be me of that you can be sure, so here goes a year in the life, experiences to learn from , welcome to Glendaliz 2010. CHRONICLES.
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