Happiness is ….................
We all spend a great deal of our lives searching for happiness, longing to be loved and searching that someone that will love us. Do you remembered as a child our parents telling us the recipe to happiness? It went something like this, get good grade, respect your elders, learn to cook ,clean ( some of us were told to go to college) and when you find a mate you get married have children and live happily ever after. THE END!
Although our parents meant well, that is a crock of bullshit.
Everywhere we look there is something telling is us that if we are prettier, make more money, buy that great home, find that perfect job we will be happy. Yeah okay
No one ever told me that in order for me to find someone that will love me I had to love me first and know what that felt like. Guess what in my family I was never taught how to love me I was told that someone other than me will love me.
I spent the major part of my life searching for happiness , looking for love , approval and acceptance from others. At times I sincerely thought that I had found it but that feeling of happiness never last for long and I was off again searching for it.
My happiness way always dependent on something or someone other than me. I learn to cook, clean , and be a perfect little homemaker. I got married to a dreamy (dayum he foine ) man and I was happy , but there would be periods of “is this it” something inside me was screaming for something , I just didn't know what or who the hell it was disrupting my life doing all that screaming.
I got married very young, had children (3) and threw myself into being a wife and mother. That crazy little voice would creep up every now and then and I would beat it back down. I was happy!! dammit!
My mom use to say that once you got married and had children that was what you lived for , so of course I'm not going to my mother to tell her that I'm unhappy because that would mean that I'm ungrateful. So I decided not to disappoint my family (mother) and just ignore my unhappiness, I ignored that something inside me that was longing to come out .I did this for a very long time. Maybe if my husband got that great job we would be happy, buy a new car, purchase a home. I would give great dinner parties, wonderful birthday celebration for the kids, fantastic holiday gatherings and I would be happy. I will finally be complete.
I convinced myself that being the best wife, mother, the best daughter I would finally be happy. I did everything in my power to be all those things yet I was still unhappy
All the things I was raised to believe would make me happy were not making me happy at all. In fact now I was depressed because I believed something was terribly wrong with me. On the outside it appeared as if I had it all, I had my shit together. I had 3 great kids, a good looking great husband, family to surround myself with , a job , a home, yet in the inside I was a mess, I felt as if I was lost, dying inside myself and there was no one around to save me.
That fire that lived inside of me that I was constantly putting out, that voice that I continuously ignored was fighting to come out and be heard ...my spirit wanted to live. The more I fought this the more depressed I became with my life, about my life and in my life.
Where was this elusive happiness, and why couldn't I have it? That was my question every night I went to bed. God please stop me from wanting more, please make me happy. That was my prayer every night before I went to sleep.
Where is this happiness? I did everything I was told would bring me happiness yet I was miserable.
After the birth of my 3rd child (my son)in 1993 , things started to go down hill for my marriage, no matter how much we talked or I talked things just were not getting better. I felt as if we were just going through the motions. In 1999 I just could not pretend that all was great I just could not do it any longer and my husband and I separated. He went back East and I stayed in the West Coast with my 3 children.
Dear Husband
Why don’t we talk anymore?
It seems that we are more like roommates
Than husband and wife.
I try to reach you and tell you how I feel
But you have no clue, you don’t see what I see.
I get lonely even when you’re around
Now how ridiculous does that sound?
It’s not suppose to be this way
I question my actions why do I stay?
You’re my husband and I love you
I really do, but I can’t keep loving enough for two.
I can’t keep thinking that things will change
Cause when they do it’s only for a few days.
Why don’t I feel loved anymore?
It’s gotten so that I feel that loving me is a chore.
The only time we even touch is when we’re making love
And even then it’s so rehearsed that we make nothing at all.
The worst is feeling that I don’t seem to matter to enough for you
To listen to what I have to say.
So don’t be surprised if one day you can’t find me, if I disappear
In search of my own way.
You can say I got tired of living alone day to day.
Dear husband, I tried to love for the both of us, but I now know
That doesn’t work.
It seems that we are more like roommates
Than husband and wife.
I try to reach you and tell you how I feel
But you have no clue, you don’t see what I see.
I get lonely even when you’re around
Now how ridiculous does that sound?
It’s not suppose to be this way
I question my actions why do I stay?
You’re my husband and I love you
I really do, but I can’t keep loving enough for two.
I can’t keep thinking that things will change
Cause when they do it’s only for a few days.
Why don’t I feel loved anymore?
It’s gotten so that I feel that loving me is a chore.
The only time we even touch is when we’re making love
And even then it’s so rehearsed that we make nothing at all.
The worst is feeling that I don’t seem to matter to enough for you
To listen to what I have to say.
So don’t be surprised if one day you can’t find me, if I disappear
In search of my own way.
You can say I got tired of living alone day to day.
Dear husband, I tried to love for the both of us, but I now know
That doesn’t work.
Love
Your wife
Your wife
I didn't even give myself time to breath, heal or any of that good stuff you're suppose to do, I flew straight into another relationship in search of the happiness I'm suppose to be having. Did I mention that I was a mess? Yes I was an emotional wreck, but by this time I was so good at faking it that I actually convinced myself that I knew what I needed.
That relationship lasted 2 years but it ended 6 months into the relationship. Why did it last 1/1/2 years longer than it should have? Because I was also raised to stick it out, and if I made this decision then even if it's not good for me I have to live with it. Well that philosophy went out the window when he started doing drugs and cheating on me and when it got physical it was time for me to go.
That relationship lasted 2 years but it ended 6 months into the relationship. Why did it last 1/1/2 years longer than it should have? Because I was also raised to stick it out, and if I made this decision then even if it's not good for me I have to live with it. Well that philosophy went out the window when he started doing drugs and cheating on me and when it got physical it was time for me to go.
What attracted me to this man? He made me feel that I could do anything I set my heart to do, he listen to my dreams and made me believe he wanted to take care of me......just as long as I did anything he asked me to do without question. Yeah right .
I didn't think there was any lesson to learn from this experience because at the time I was still a HOT, HOT mess., but I did learn a valuable lesson actually a few. I just was not ready to see them at that time.
I didn't think there was any lesson to learn from this experience because at the time I was still a HOT, HOT mess., but I did learn a valuable lesson actually a few. I just was not ready to see them at that time.
One thing I know today is how to spot another person who is deep in HOT mess....they blame everyone but themselves for what is occurring in their life.
Now I know you are saying to yourself “ I know she learn lots of valuable lessons and finally got it” Whateva! There was nothing wrong with me. Nothing to learn.
Even though I was the one that walked out of this relationship it hurt me like nothing I could have imagined. Instead of saying to myself good riddance or thank God I got out of that, I berated myself.
Even though I was the one that walked out of this relationship it hurt me like nothing I could have imagined. Instead of saying to myself good riddance or thank God I got out of that, I berated myself.
I cried myself to sleep at night asking myself “what did I do wrong”? Maybe if I was sexier, or lost 20 pounds he would not have cheated? If I paid more attention maybe he would not have done drugs. Then sometimes it would sound like this , “how stupid could you be to get with a man that does drugs”. Then it hit me , everything was a lie. He was never the person he made himself out to be, I felt even worse. How could I let myself get swept away by bullshit!
How could you
How could you have known that the life saver
He offered was defective?
How could you have known that the
Warmth of his embrace one day would
Burn you?
How could you have known that his
Words would cut you, that
Your world would be turned
Upside down because
You believed him.
How could you have known that the
Touch you craved to the point of pain
was the prelude to the pain.
That the lips that took you to heaven
Would one day send you
straight to hell.
How could you have known that his
“I love you” really said “I own you”
That the love making was really a
Violation
that with every thrust you
would lose yourself.
How could you have known that by
Loving him you would hate
Yourself.
Trying to be perfect for him.
How could you have known that
He really didn’t love you.
IF you could have known…..Would you?
He offered was defective?
How could you have known that the
Warmth of his embrace one day would
Burn you?
How could you have known that his
Words would cut you, that
Your world would be turned
Upside down because
You believed him.
How could you have known that the
Touch you craved to the point of pain
was the prelude to the pain.
That the lips that took you to heaven
Would one day send you
straight to hell.
How could you have known that his
“I love you” really said “I own you”
That the love making was really a
Violation
that with every thrust you
would lose yourself.
How could you have known that by
Loving him you would hate
Yourself.
Trying to be perfect for him.
How could you have known that
He really didn’t love you.
IF you could have known…..Would you?
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