Our First Year

So my fiancé and I decided to have me move in with him, From
California where I lived to Arkansas where he lives. We planned the move for March
or April of 2012 but due to other circumstances we decided to make the move
right after Christmas. So I finished my last semester at city college, and
spent the holidays with my family before heading out to Arkansas.

Throughout our relationship Sean and I have nurtured the communication between us, So this move was something that we talked about a lot.

We both had our worries, he had never lived with anyone, no other woman, or even a roommate it was just him, and I had been single since 2003 living with just my kids, no man around to run things by or even consider , I was on my own.

Some of our worries stemmed from not having lived together and not really having a traditional relationship and not having the opportunity to interact one on one in person ,but we didn’t worry too much because we decided to treat it as we had our long distance relationship, one day at a time and, bringing our worries to each other.

Early in the relationship we had decided that we were not going to have a very long, long distance relationship. So after 20 months together I'm living in Arkansas. I made the move Dec 28, 2011.

Our first week together(at the time) seem very stressful. I had been slowly shipping my stuff to Arkansas and upon my arrival had one bedroom full of my belongings. Needless to say Sean had to make room in his home so that I could start putting my stuff away. Sean really didn't want me to get started on that for some time (he is a very laid back person that doesn't really rush and plans things)but, he was a bachelor and things were not comfortable for me the way they were,(and I'm a very impatient person that wants things done now rather than later) hence our first disagreement and lesson.

What's really important here?

Walking in Love

I’ve discovered that falling in love is not what it’s cracked up to be. This thing that we call falling in love is overrated. We put so much emphasis on how someone is suppose to make us feel. The excitement, butterflies, nervousness, every love song speaking to you, the anticipation of seeing that person. those things sound like a nervous breakdown. I’ve fallen in love a few times and all those feelings happening to me confused me. I thought they indicated that I was in love but I learned that I really wasn’t, I was wrong.

Falling leads one to believe that there is no choice, after all who in their right mind chooses to fall. Whenever we do fall it’s something that just happens. So why would I choose to "Fall in love"?
What if I could just walk in love instead of falling in love?

What the hell am I talking about walk in love?

Wow, how do I explain this. Walking in love. It’s discovering who you are, what you value, and what you want. Then you set out to get that. You intentionally set out to live life to the fullest. You become open to all the possibilities in giving of yourself , really giving, not in a sexual way, but an authentic way. Walking in love is not having to give up yourself but give of yourself. It’s consciously making a decision to be open and vulnerable to receive that love that we all crave. It’s giving yourself all the love you need and allowing it to spill over to your everyday life.

It’s a simple thought to be what you desire. It’s the amazing feeling of really allowing yourself to connect in a spiritual way with everyone, even if only for a little while.

Walking in love leads one to walk into love, instead of falling. Walking in love takes time. You find that one person that shares a special connection with you. It’s getting to explore everything that is them. Appreciating the differences without the agenda of change, but acceptance. Walking into love allows you to dream while awake, seeing thing for what they really are, not what you want them to be, but making those wants a possibility.

When you walk into love instead of falling you open yourself to soul touching experiences. Agendas, expectations, norms, and suppose to be, no longer make sense. It’s loving someone as you both agree love should be. Leaving out all things outside yourselves, out of this sacred relationship.

Walking in love takes patience, compassion, growth, intention, communication, respect , admiration, and a willingness to see yourself through the eyes of another, knowing that in them there is a safe place for you to explore all that you are. Falling is unexpected, unnerving, filled with unrealistic expectations, pushing and pulling, taking and giving.

Walking in love is natural, honest, filled with realistic growth potential, encouraging and energizing, giving and receiving. Walking in love is the process that bring us closer to who we really are, walking into love is the process of melding with that special one.

Walking in love, walking into love, is finding yourself in LOVE.

Let us Create Deeper Understanding

A couple spent a week together. Before ending the week they decided to talk. they laid in bed facing each other and started to highlight some of the weeks events and how they felt. he gave her positive feedback, she gave him positive feedback. she spoke about her feelings and he listened, at times giving her his idea on the feelings. He spoke to her about his feeling and she also listened.
Both these individuals were intending to explore the other person as a way to create more intimacy, better communication and a deeper understanding of each other. They shared confusion, disappointment, expectations and deep feelings about the week they spent together. All without judgment, blame, accusations or conflict. Their intention is to not only understand each other but understand themselves within each other.

I believe that should be the purpose of every relationship we encounter, and if every relationship, every single one no matter how long or short is treated as a sacred spiritual encounter intended on facilitating our growth then why not try to find out how you did in it ? why go around relating blindly when you can get a progress report and feedback on how to make this journey better, and better yet how you yourself can become better at knowing you.
I believe this couple will continue to be positive forces in each others lives and their talks will help in their growth not only as individual but as a couple. the reason is plain and simple.

This couple seek to be understood by understanding, they choose to explore each others mind, emotions and gain deeper understanding of these emotions as well as the emotions and feelings this relationship brings out. They choose to confront feelings as they happen with compassion and understanding. they lay there facing each other with love because they chose to omit criticism and fear from the recipe they have created as a foundation for their relationships.
I wish we all could have this deep desire to understand each other, I would certainly see a lot more happy families and individuals.

Just my thoughts

Glendaliz

What is a Strong Black Woman

What is a strong black woman?

every time I hear you say that it makes me cringe because it’s followed by all the reasons why you don’t need a man. Yet you do the singles things, try to get the hook up and you push up to men as if your life depends on it. Maybe your biological clock doesn’t realize that you got it going on. You shout to the world that it’s hard to find a good man but excuse me didn’t you say you didn’t need one?
You seek to impress with all your accomplishments and accolades as if those are the things that make you the woman , you don’t even see that the woman has disappeared. You have transformed yourself into a billboard of all you have done, yet you still seek that one.

What is a strong black woman?
Is it the fact that the world can’t see you cry yourself to sleep because no matter what you have bought you are still not happy? You say that your man NEEDS to have as much or more than what you have but you disrespect yourself all the time sleeping with the prestige and cash, but your still alone is that what makes you strong? Is a strong black woman that lost?

You can pay your own bills, buy your own home, drive your own car , pay for your own travel so why do you want a man, to carry your bags?
Your attitude of superiority makes the men you seek run. Yes they want a strong woman but they don’t want to compete for position with you. I’m not saying you should not be proud of what you have done I understand , you won. But how long will you continue proclaiming that you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN! And crying yourself to sleep …alone?

What is a strong black woman? And why do you say men are intimidated by your success? Could they just have an aversion to the negative attitudes and behaviors you exude, who wants to date a woman that wants to rule? Oh yeah I forgot you’re a queen.
Has it ever occurred to you to look in the mirror and ask yourself “Who Am I” ?
Take away the job, the degree, the lipstick, the weave, the earrings, the expensive clothes what do you have , do you know , do you know?

What is a strong black woman ?
What makes you strong? Can you list the things that make you valuable? Without the material things you have acquired?
What is a strong black woman and why are they all alone? Can you find a happy medium so you can have a happy home?

Stop calling me bitching about how it’s so hard being an educated woman as if that’s what keep you from finding happiness. Stop telling yourself that you are some kind of commodity, wake up to reality. You strong black woman are the only one standing in the way of your happiness. Get over yourself. Go find that old lady down the street that raised 12 children, was married for 65 years , held it down when times got rough with no degree, no prestigious job, no designer clothes and sometimes not enough money to eat ask her to give you the meaning of a strong black woman and when she tells you ….be that.

Stop complaining that you can’t find a good man. Maybe you can’t find one because you need to find yourself first . What do you NEED, do you even know?
Stop believing that bullshit about the American Dream and start living by your own.
I think being a strong black woman means finding a balance in all you do but most of all finding that formula that works for you . And if you’re bitching and moaning about how hard it is to be a STRONG BLACK WOMAN then it’s not really working is it?
What is a strong black woman? Can someone please explain this to me?
I seek to be strong, I am an AFRO Latin woman, but what makes me a strong black woman? Do I even want to be what the world perceives that to be?

What is a STRONG BLACK WOMAN

Angry and Tired Woman

I am an Angry Tired woman……………..
I’m tired of this downward spiral called my life.
I’m angry that I continue to make excuses , fuss and fight and never look up to see that light.
It pains me to see that the dogs I speak of are my sons, that the hood rats I criticize are my daughters.
I’m tired of the shame I refuse to talk about, and the blame we sling at each other without taking accountability. Where in that is my responsibility ?
I’m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again because this is what I saw my mother do and now I repeat with my daughters. I’m angry that I can’t stop myself from being angry at my baby daddy’s when I know that my behavior teaches my children to be angry as well. I’m tired of blaming all men for the choices I have made , I was wrong I see that now but must you constantly use that against me? Must I use it against me?
I’m angry at my self for giving all of me away to men that never deserved me in the first place, I’m ashamed that I allowed this , I’m ashamed to realize that I didn’t know me enough to know I deserve better.
I’m angry that I didn’t take time to discover myself, and just accumulated pain after pain without self knowledge gained . I’m tired of this cycle of destruction of the soul, will I be fighting this plight til I’m old?
Believing that men are intimidated by me, falling into the trap of word fallacies?
I’m angry that I can’t find the balance in my life, who do I go to for this balance but into myself to find the sum total of who I am.
I’m tired of telling myself that there are no good men out there when I know this to be false when my actions of looking for one betray my thoughts.
I’m angry that I’ve allowed myself to call friends women that are just as bitter and destructive as I am, how am I to find the way if this is how I surround myself?
Why do I fear being submissive? If I have balance of mind & spirit why not follow a man of my choosing? .
I’m tired of bashing men, angry at myself for with every breath I use to condemn them I crucify myself.
I’m angry, down right angry that I don’t know what a true man is so I go by what I read in books or see on TV but in my heart I sense what a true man should be , can anyone point me to one ? I really would like to see….

I’m tired of measuring a man by what he drives, makes or has and then complaining that all he wanted was a piece of ass.
I want to be a wife and I’m tired of my friends telling me that my want is a fantasy , that my desire to have a healthy loving relationship is just a dream, but if I look inside will I not find that wife?
I’m angry that I don’t know how to connect with positive females that will not try to make me live my life in fear by telling me I will burn in hell for my mistakes , offering no real solution only absolution that still
leaves me powerless.
I’m tired, sick and tired of complaining about my baby daddy’s as a means to take away the responsibility of looking at what I have done to my life. I’m tired of the drama, tired of the pain, angry at the accusation , disgusted with myself.
I’m tired of having a mirror held up to my face , I hate what I have done to me, but can’t find any other way to be.
I’m sad, tired, angry and I’m sick and tired of being sad tired and angry.
I need you all to just let me be, give me space to look at this face.
I’m taking the time to go inside and find that which I’ve tried to hide.
That I want better , that I am better, that I have everything to offer, that I am that which gives life, and I WANT TO CHANGE.
I’m a tired angry woman looking desperately for solutions but because you are angry at me you can not see the pain in my actions so you condemn me to a life of negativity…I am better than that!
I am tired of being an angry tired woman I want to be free of these shackles I’ve found the solution , and that solution is in ME.

I am to LOVE

I am to love….

I am to love myself that is the beginning of everything. My therapist says this, the books I read say so.
Loving me means being kind to myself, loving, honest and nurturing with myself. Embracing every part of me. Yet when I embrace myself I feel so unpretty , so unloving , who will love me when I can’t love myself. I tell myself that I do love me, but do I really?
Was I loving myself when I went from one relationship to the next , allowing myself to be abused and disrespected. Or when I allowed other to tell me who I am, and make me what they thought I should be?

Was I loving myself when I convinced myself that sex was the expression of love, how can my love be between my legs? When I am alone with my thought and I hear you’re stupid ,fat, poor, short, useless, a failure is that my truth? Am I being measured by the expectation of you? Or am I allowed to be me?

Loving myself is the beginning of everything. Why does everything seems so perfect except for me? Is my imperfection lovable? Why does everyone hold a mirror to me and tell me “this is your truth” how can they posses a mirror of my truth when I sit here so confused. Is my worth found in the pages of a magazine? Looking fly, smelling like dollars? How do I love this me when the world tells me I am all wrong?

I’m not tall enough, my shape is wrong, my accent is strong, you’re too loud, too outspoken, you don’t know you place you don’t have the right face. This is the world in which I live, at time this is the world that gave birth to me and watched me grow.
This is where I learn to love others, to be nice to them or they will not like you, be polite or they won’t befriend you. Sacrifice, sacrifice sacrifice. Is this to be my life?

I am to love myself, that is the beginning of everything, but how do I find me in the mist of confusion, out dated beliefs and judgment within? How can I know truth when I am told that God loves me yet he created a place called hell to send me to when I am not perfect, yet no one is perfect.

How can I appreciate my mind when I’m told that these questions are wrong, therefore I AM wrong.
How can I know love when I am raised to believe that others have the keys to that love.
How will I find acceptance when I am told I have to make a good first impression, am I not a good enough impression the second or third time? How can i be truth if the first impression is a lie?

I am to love myself, that is the beginning of everything, everything, everything ….
My beginning to everything was to let go of all things, all your judgments, all the ideas that I’m wrong, all the illusions of being right , the deceptions handed down to me, the expectations of what becomes of me, the idea that I’m done, false beliefs that lead me further away from my Self with each passing day. The belief that I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME.

I am becoming and like a phoenix I rise ,to love myself inspite of this world. yes loving myself is the beginning of every thing , every single part of me even when I’m tempted to judge myself I have learn to forgive myself. I embrace, love and honor me even in the mist of YOUR lies called my truth.

I embrace my fat thighs, my small breast, my plump face, even that section of my belly that use to be flat, my quick temper, my accent, my not knowing, my emotions, my past , my compassion, MY values, the victories that no one else can see, I’m embracing all of me because I and only I have possession of My mirror and it tells me that I am perfect just the way I am ….I am to love myself, that is the beginning of My everything

WEAK

“Sometimes I'm afraid to be weak because I fear I will be judged, then I realize that the judgment comes from me because I have never allowed myself to embrace my weakness“.
I posted that on my Face Book page. When I read it back to myself it just didn’t sit right with me I wasn’t sure if I was correctly articulating what and how I was feeling.
So I looked up the word WEAK . When I looked it up it did not describe what I was feeling at all. That made me wonder, why didn’t I ever look it up before?
I took it for granted that for years we have been throwing that word around like rice at a wedding and using it wrong.

I’ve always considered myself strong to the world , yet having personal moments of weakness. Moments when I felt defeated, helpless and emotional spent, moment when I would cry because I felt so overwhelmed with problems I myself created. I can honestly say I HATED being thought of as weak. Because I am not.

When I wrote the statement on face book I started to think about my weaknesses and I realize that what I was calling weakness was not weakness at all.
I’ve gone through things, endured pain, and made mistakes just like anyone else and maybe a little more than others. I hated the thought that others might think I was weak , if I cried, was too emotional, expressed my anger, or complained about an injustice. I kept my feelings very well tucked in or so I thought. I tried to be positive and upbeat but there were things happening in my life that would bring a grown man to his knees. I’m not WEAK. ! I would say this to myself as if to tell the world but the one that needed to believe it was me. I have made many strides in this journey called my life. Lost a few friends, family bonds that I thought were strong sort of dissolved but I was and I am willing to do this work of finding myself.

Which means really defining who I am on my terms and WEAK I am not. I am an emotional woman , full of compassion and grace and if that makes me weak I will be that because it’s who I am.
But if you look up the word Weak in the dictionary you will not find me there.
Now Vulnerable yes that I am !! Because I have chosen to open my heart to all there is to being me, so that I can reconnect with my soul. It’s actually my SOUL PURPOSE.
In being Vulnerable I open myself to all possibilities including the possibility to be hurt, taken advantage of and being harmed. Knowing theses things I still seek to take this journey and everyday I’m learning new things about myself, new feelings to explore and old ways that were not working for me find themselves discarded. It’s not easy walking to the beat of my own drum, making up the rules as I go along.

Yes I’m scared but I am by no means WEAK. I am vulnerable to being hurt, harmed, taken advantage of and all those thing we women seem to think make us WEAK , but when I open myself to those things I also open myself to be loved, trusted, comforted , cared for and most of all I open my mind to find the strength I need to be good to myself even when all else seems to be against me. I open myself to find that love within and it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world. No I am NOT a weak woman. I am a divine spiritual soul on a journey to reconnect and remember my true nature…LOVE



Sometimes I'm afraid to be weak because I fear I will be judged, then I realize that the judgment comes from me but I’m strong enough to understand that weakness is not of me. I don’t have to embrace my weakness because they never were. I choose not to judge myself, instead I can experience myself. And you know what it’s okay to be afraid, when I’m afraid it’s because I don’t know and when I don’t have any preconceived ideas of how things should be I’m open to the greatest possibilities of how things are. By allowing myself to let go of my idea or how it’s always been my soul speaks to me.

Tonight I allowed myself to be still so that I could understand what it was that I was feeling and this that I write was my answer. It’s not simple, maybe even complicated but when you really think about it, it’s my spirit teaching me that I’m important and the things that I think are true are false if they do not come from LOVE.
There is no real weakness, there is only acceptance of all that I am, and I am Everything !