I am to LOVE

I am to love….

I am to love myself that is the beginning of everything. My therapist says this, the books I read say so.
Loving me means being kind to myself, loving, honest and nurturing with myself. Embracing every part of me. Yet when I embrace myself I feel so unpretty , so unloving , who will love me when I can’t love myself. I tell myself that I do love me, but do I really?
Was I loving myself when I went from one relationship to the next , allowing myself to be abused and disrespected. Or when I allowed other to tell me who I am, and make me what they thought I should be?

Was I loving myself when I convinced myself that sex was the expression of love, how can my love be between my legs? When I am alone with my thought and I hear you’re stupid ,fat, poor, short, useless, a failure is that my truth? Am I being measured by the expectation of you? Or am I allowed to be me?

Loving myself is the beginning of everything. Why does everything seems so perfect except for me? Is my imperfection lovable? Why does everyone hold a mirror to me and tell me “this is your truth” how can they posses a mirror of my truth when I sit here so confused. Is my worth found in the pages of a magazine? Looking fly, smelling like dollars? How do I love this me when the world tells me I am all wrong?

I’m not tall enough, my shape is wrong, my accent is strong, you’re too loud, too outspoken, you don’t know you place you don’t have the right face. This is the world in which I live, at time this is the world that gave birth to me and watched me grow.
This is where I learn to love others, to be nice to them or they will not like you, be polite or they won’t befriend you. Sacrifice, sacrifice sacrifice. Is this to be my life?

I am to love myself, that is the beginning of everything, but how do I find me in the mist of confusion, out dated beliefs and judgment within? How can I know truth when I am told that God loves me yet he created a place called hell to send me to when I am not perfect, yet no one is perfect.

How can I appreciate my mind when I’m told that these questions are wrong, therefore I AM wrong.
How can I know love when I am raised to believe that others have the keys to that love.
How will I find acceptance when I am told I have to make a good first impression, am I not a good enough impression the second or third time? How can i be truth if the first impression is a lie?

I am to love myself, that is the beginning of everything, everything, everything ….
My beginning to everything was to let go of all things, all your judgments, all the ideas that I’m wrong, all the illusions of being right , the deceptions handed down to me, the expectations of what becomes of me, the idea that I’m done, false beliefs that lead me further away from my Self with each passing day. The belief that I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME.

I am becoming and like a phoenix I rise ,to love myself inspite of this world. yes loving myself is the beginning of every thing , every single part of me even when I’m tempted to judge myself I have learn to forgive myself. I embrace, love and honor me even in the mist of YOUR lies called my truth.

I embrace my fat thighs, my small breast, my plump face, even that section of my belly that use to be flat, my quick temper, my accent, my not knowing, my emotions, my past , my compassion, MY values, the victories that no one else can see, I’m embracing all of me because I and only I have possession of My mirror and it tells me that I am perfect just the way I am ….I am to love myself, that is the beginning of My everything