my thoughts

Today I was in a little funk. It was a day of things not going my way, pressure mounting for me to come through as a mom, financial issues, school issues, deadlines etc. you name it, thing were just coming up. I was feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. On top of all this I was experiencing a case of the loneliness.
I had been fighting it off it seem from the time I awoke. With the loneliness comes the realization that it’s just me. I’m it. I begun to feel sorry for myself. Trust me I know when it’s happening I’ve done it enough to see it coming. But you see this is not a place I wish to visit I decided 5 years ago that I would make my life different by changing my behaviors, thoughts and beliefs and I’m doing pretty good. I’m proud of what I have accomplished. It may not be much to most but I am a new me and no one can begin to understand what I’ve struggled with unless they have been where I’ve been.

I remember thinking when I first set out on this journey that I would just learn new behaviors and thoughts and retrain my consciousness and I would be done. That is such an adorable thought, but it’s not reality.
I still have funky days, they will happen. They happen to us all. I still fight with old thoughts that creep up and tell me that I’m not good enough. That my life is a mess and it will always be. Or that I can’t get things right.

I still have these thoughts they don’t magically disappear just because I now fill my home with positive affirmations, or because I’ve read 75 self-help books or gone to 12 make your life better works shops. They are there just waiting for a little break in my resolve, a little window of fear and opportunity to bring me back to the belief that I am helpless. I believe that because I have made a decision to not go back to the woman I use to be I can clearly see when things are happening in my life that would or do have the potential to get me down. I ask myself questions about how I’m feeling and why? Most of the time my own mind lies to me , my ego takes over and I function through what I call ego living, not a good place to be because you are always checking for what others have that you don’t or what others do that you can’t. trust me that kind of living is not very good for anyone it defeats the purpose of living because you are always looking for something that you assume you lack.

But anyway I digress I was talking about my funky disposition yesterday. I was really feeling tired, and I just wanted to just give all my problems to anyone but me , this is the point where I start to think that being a 60’s woman would be great. If all I had to do was look beautiful and only think of what I was going to cook for dinner that would be heaven. Then I started to yearn for all the things I don’t have, especially not having a partner, a man, a husband , a companion. Not having that person that I could talk to and would support me and love me . That person I can lean on and feel protected by, because although I am doing the dayum thing by myself , I’m not doing it because I want to I’m doing it because I had to.
This is a hard journey , the journey of getting to know yourself and it can be very lonely , but I realize that it’s never as bad as my mind wants me to believe . I do have someone that I can talk to, someone that makes me feel safe, secure , supported and yes loved and appreciated. Sometimes we can get so overwhelmed with life that we forget what we do have. So my relationship is a little different than a traditional relationship, I get what I need from it. It would be very easy for me to talk myself out of being in a great relationship because it’s not what most would call normal. I could talk myself into a funk because my day is not going as planned , or what I expected it to be.
The conversations I have with myself are what gets me through these times. I understand how my mind use to function and these thoughts do not go away. It’s a constant struggle because they come up at the most inconvenient time.
There are days when I feel invincible and powerful and that little voice will come in disguised as fear and try to convince me that I can’t do something . It’s important for me to push past these thought because through the fear , on the other side is who I am. Just waiting for me to succeed.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to stop getting in the way of our own happiness. Think outside the box when it comes to making yourself happy. Sometimes it may not look like you thought it would but you have to ask yourself the questions that will allow you to dig deep and find what really makes YOU happy. Embrace the challenges even when you feel that you are not up to it, even when embracing it means questioning why you are feeling funky and being okay with the answer. I’ve learned to forgive myself for being human. I’m not suppose to be perfect nor are my feelings.

I’m very lucky to have someone that I can share my days with, my thoughts, my fears and my struggles, when it gets lonely he is always there I’m grateful for that. When I’m feeling funky or having a challenging day I check my thoughts. It’s not a magic formula I just ask myself if what I’m feeling is real or is this something I’m making up. You know what my life is what it is. Is it worse than others yes, is it better than others yes but the important thing is that it’s MY life, good or bad I love it! So I had a funky day , hmmm how can i make it better tomorrow?

I can make it better by really seeing things for what they are not what my ego says they should be .