being me........a day in my life 5/20/09

My sister has a blogtalk radio show and I’m usually on the show either commenting or as a guest. Many times we have spoken on topics that are mainly of interest to women, overall my sister Mari gives the men equal time and topics. We talk about everything under the sun, and on girls club Friday it can and usually does get a little crazy anyway one time we were talking about menopause and women issues and after the show ended I thought to myself that more men should be in on this conversation because women are a very integral part of men and they should really try to understand how we women function.
Menopause will eventually affect them in every way because they have to deal with us in every way so why not talk about it. I have been dreaming of a time that men and women can have straight talk with each other and cut all the bullshit we usually fog each others lives with, but I don’t see it happening yet the way I would like it to happen but then again ….in my reality men and women are totally capable of having beautiful understanding communication and relationships. My reality just need to wait for everyone to live in it or I can become a one woman crusade to bring on a deeper, more loving understanding of men and women, I don’t know! but what I do know is that I’m willing to have this conversation, I’m willing to put myself out there, I’m willing to be vulnerable, share my life experiences and personal workings and sometimes comedic views so that we can communicate and maybe learn something from each other, maybe.

My sister also has a website www.maritorres.com and she hosts a poetry spot there. I posted my menopause blogs and also poetry that I have written. Yes by all means go check it out I’m sure you will love it. A gentleman that goes by the name of truvue is a fan of my sister’s show and he too has a blogtalk radio show. Well I checked out his show one afternoon and I saw that he was going to be doing a show on celibacy. I asked him to check out my poetry and also my blogs because I had written a poem about being celibate. He read both my blogs and poetry and invited me on to his show to speak a little about menopause and my take on what was going on with my body. We spoke about hot flashes, remedies, symptoms etc . There were women calling in and to my surprise quit a few men. We were having great conversation but I remember one man that called in and was talking about his relationship with his ex-wife or live in girlfriend (I can’t remember everything give me a break!!!). This gentleman stated that upon listening to the topic and what some of the women on the panel were saying he was seeing issues he was having with his ex in a new light and he now wondered if she too was going through perimenopause or menopause ? He actually said that listening to this conversation made him feel a little relieved because he really didn’t know what was happening to her at the time.

Although this was good because this is the kind of discussion we should be having I started to wonder, why do men have to be so stressed because they don’t know what is going on with us? And why must women go through this alone and in turn stress even more? We should be sharing whatever we learn about menopause and anything else we as women are unique to with our daughters, sons, husbands, friends and anyone that will listen because it’s not taboo, it’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s not a curse. It’s a rite of passage just like getting your menstrual cycle, your first kiss, your first love or crush, the first time you breast fed, and these are all rites of passage that we should embrace not fear.
Even though I joke about it a lot I do so because that is just how I choose to deal with it. I do have days when I’ve been up tossing and turning all night sweating like a man (yeah YUK) and in the morning I may be cranky because I haven’t slept, but at the end of the day I’m blessed to be a woman and it’s just not that serious for me be unhappy in my own body. I refused to let it come to that. I’m a pretty lively, colorful, crazy character, there is no way in hell I’m going to let something like menopause change my outlook on life not when I’m just beginning to enjoy me in all my ….ummm splendor..lol.
So I say let’s talk about it, start some dialog! by the way if you have any questions for me please feel free to comment I will answer your questions as honestly as I can....I think

Glendaliz (I ain't Skurred) Torres

being me........a day in my life

Okay so last night I watched Marley and Me and I was crying like a baby. For some reason the movie brought out memories of my father’s death. Not that a dog reminds me of my dad but just the suddenness of it. Maybe I was just being super hormonal, although it doesn’t take much to make me cry. I’m a crier so what! I think I just really have not come to terms with the death of my father and I’m not rushing myself either. I miss him so much. Sometimes the pain of losing him in unbearable, it just creeps up on me. It’s been years but to me it seems like only yesterday. The good thing is that today I can think of him and remember him in all his madness…lol and not cry, but others days I just sit down and open the flood gates. I feel much better after that. Who said you shouldn’t cry right?

Last night was definitely not a good emotion night. It would have been nice to have someone to call and say “hey my hormones are raging, I just watched a chick flick, my eyes are puffy from crying, my hair is a hot ghetto mess, my nose is red from blowing snots…..do you wanna come over and cuddle? Lmao yeah right. Did I tell you all that I am single? Oh yes well now you know, and if you have been reading my blog you now know that I’m perimenopausal well now the world knows that not only am I Menopausal, I’m also single …..Lovely! lol

I’m sure you are wondering why I’m sharing so much? Well why should I have to go through this alone anyway my journey is going to be pretty fantastic actually the last 4 years of my life have been pretty amazing but I don’t want to go back that far so I decided to start blogging about this new phase in my life….I call it Single, Happy and Menopausal……….although I think happy and menopausal is an oxymoron. Whateva! So I’m inviting you into a day in my life, almost every day…lol I didn’t want it to be just about my menopausal journey…wow that sounds kinda cool, but yeah I didn’t want it to be just that so it might be a little off but then it will start to flow. I think next I was going to speak on Vaginal Dryness…YIKKES!!! uummm let me research that a little more and marinate on how I’m going to feel sharing the fact that Vaginal Dryness is an issue I may have to be dealing with…and by all account it’s going to happen soon. So give me a minute to gather my thoughts and please excuse me when I go into what my dear friends call ABW mode, Angry black woman mode. By the way it seems to me that every time this “friend “ calls himself imitating me he sounds like flip Wilson doing his famous Geraldine. DO I really sound like that? I love him anyway he is my token Cauc-Asian friend….lol

Well I hope you all enjoy a day in my life as much as I enjoy living it.!

Glendaliz “ I ain’t skurred” Torres

being me

I was sitting at my desk at work and I felt hot all of the sudden, but not the kind of hot that comes from hot air but an inside kind of hot as if somebody raised the temperature in my body. At the same time I felt my heart start to race like when you are scared or something and I felt anxious. Now I’m just sitting at my desk, so why am I feeling this way? The heat leaves my body just as fast as it came but I feel as if my neck and face are damp and I actually grab some paper and start to fan myself. What the hell is going on here? I ask if anyone has turned the heat on. Nope heat is not on. My body begin to get back to normal and I get back to work when about 20 minutes later I feel the heat coming on again, this time I feel my face and ears get hot then the back of my neck, I start to fan myself again but all of the sudden I feel really dizzy and nauseous…..Could this be what women call hot flashes? Am I going through Menopause??? Nawww I’ll be fine. But I wasn’t fine I left work early because the dizziness did not stop and I continued getting wave after wave of these hot spells. I was due to facilitate a woman’s group that evening but I had to cancel it. I just was not feeling well and by 5pm I was feeling very fatigued. By the time I got home I was exhausted. What is happening to me??

I went through everything I thought it could be. I woke up feeling fine. What did I do? What the hell is going on with me?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of those women that refuse too get old. I know that getting old is inevitable and I intend to grow old as graceful as I can but at the same time there is no shame in wanting to be a hot ass 50 year old and that is my intention. So this hot flash, menopause thing has me a little scared. WHY do we women have to go through all these changes?

After speaking to my little sister Mari (whom I love very much because she is very intelligent . I had to put that in here cause I know she will read this) anyway after speaking to her and listening to her tell me what I was sounding like (she put my head back to where it’s suppose to be) I realized that I had a few fears that I had to deal with in regards to this Menopause issue. Before my body started playing tricks on me I use to say I was going through Menopause because it seem the men stopped ,paused and kept going….lol . I am single, and not really dating, and I’m definitely not getting any ummm stuff. Okay dayum I know we're grown!!! I’m not sexually active there I said it. Happy now? BUT that is by choice not because I’m holy saved and sanctified, or because I'm saving myself for the one, (although you could say that) ,not that those things are bad , I’m just saying that is not the reason nor is it because I’m part of some virginalvaginalrejuvenification (VVR) movement(I just made that up for real), that’s not me either although I know some females that maybe should look into that movement and give the stuff a break.
Anyway I digress, after speaking to my little sister I decided that I’m not going to let this get me down, after all this is just another aspect of being a woman I just have to make this work for me. If in fact I am going through Menopause then I have to find out all I can and deal with it the best way I can for Glendaliz because that really is the only way to deal with it. So First I have to schedule a Doctors appointment and yes your gonna have to go through that with me also. I hate going to the gynecologist but hey if I’m going to have a man between my legs he might as well be educated in all the trappings down there, cause lets be real some of the men we have laid up with might as well had been making pizza for all they knew about our vaginal constructions..... So I digress again, bear with me I forgot to mention that I think I might have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or maybe it’s just the scattered Puerto Rican in me. Okay so , I’ll go get an Exam which by the way I’m sure will include a MAMOGRAM which I have also been avoiding because of all the horror stories I’ve heard about it. In the meantime I will continue to read up on it , try not to let it get to me and keep my head up, but one thing I’m a little scared about ……what is the VAGINAL DRYNESS thing…..OH MY GOD , can somebody tell me what the hell that means? ARE YOU FRIKEN KIDDING!!!!..............................can we talk about this?

Glendaliz (I ain't skurred) Torres

Being me

So I’m looking at myself in the mirror and I look the same, actually I look a little thinner around the cheeks, but otherwise I look the same. I’m a very good looking woman ,well spoken, educated , I own my own business, I’m happy with myself and the things I have accomplished and I’m very excited about the things that are to come.
My life is pretty interesting and I’m enjoying every minute of it. I look a little closer in the mirror and I still just see me. I finish toweling myself off and apply moisturizer to my face I see no lines or visible wrinkles I say a silent thank you to my African ancestors my fathers side of the family for supplying me with really great pigment that doesn’t wrinkle and appears ageless. By the time the Afro-rican women of my family start to show wrinkles they are well into their late 70’s and by that time are we really caring how many wrinkles we have?

I wrap my towel around me and walk to me room where I proceed to examine the rest of my body in the mirror. My breast appear to be where they were when I was 22 , that’s the beauty of belonging to the iddy biddy tiddy committee , oh please like you never heard us small breasted girls being teased that way. I examine my body in the mirror and although my body had changed throughout the years it remains in pretty good shape. My skin which my ex-husband would always say was super soft is unusually dry. As I oil and moisturize I wonder if others can see that I am changing. I’ve always been a very sensual and sexual woman. I read somewhere that my desire can diminished, actually what it said was that there can be a significant change in my libido..basically I will no longer feel aroused or want to have sex…..what the hell is that about!!!!
That’s not me! I can still feel aroused and desire I’m single now but am I going to change so much that I won’t want to have sex any more? I’m 43 I should still have a good 25 years of crazy off the chain sex left in me, well maybe 15 off the chain and 5 so so okay and another 5 of “is this how it felt” sex. I feel compelled to apologize to my daughters at this point because reading this may be a little embarrassing to them but hey one day you will be my age and you won’t be embarrassed. Actually my daughters are reading this saying …”that’s just my momma”.
I feel like I’m getting my second wind of being this woman that I’m determined to be and just when I think I have it all under control my body starts to betray me. Well actually it didn’t just start it started about 2 years ago. Since the age of about 11 when I started my menstrual cycle I was very regular I varied from 28 to 30 day cycles, but 2 years ago I started missing menstrual cycles and due to the fact that I’m single and not sexually active I knew I wasn’t pregnant. The years I turned 40 I started missing periods but not as frequently but since I was so regular I went to my doctor, who asked my age and checked my breast. He then proceeded to tell me that I was too young to be starting Menopause which is what I told him I think was happening since my mom started going through menopause at 40 why not me, like mother maybe like daughter.

Anyway he asked me a few questions , checked my abdomen and said yes you are too young for menopause but your uterus feels a little big so lets do an ultra sound because women your age can some times develop fibroids which may be the cause of you missing your period. He also told me that stress, and other natural things as well l things environmental could be causing my missed cycles, either way go downstairs make an appointment for the ultra sound and lets see what comes up. I was hoping he would say yes you are experiencing menopause, because then I would be able to sleep well knowing that this was bound to happen.
I had the ultrasound done and nothing, my uterus was fine, you are not going through menopause thank you, good luck and don’t forget your yearly mammogram. Just like that!! That was three years ago.
For the past 2 years my periods have been very irregular, missing, heavy, light and just unreliable. Then I got a cycle that lasted 19 days. I was a little worried so I called my employer to make sure I had insurance so that I could get in to see a doctor ASAP. I think once a woman hits 40 we joke around a lot when ever we are stressed, angry or sad , we say oh I’m just menopausal. I don’t think we really believe that. I know I didn’t. My doctor assured me that I was too young he said it would not happen until I was well into my 40’s ….late 40’s
Then last week I experienced something that left me shaken……………………………………..

Glendaliz ( I ain't skurred) Torres