Being me

So I’m looking at myself in the mirror and I look the same, actually I look a little thinner around the cheeks, but otherwise I look the same. I’m a very good looking woman ,well spoken, educated , I own my own business, I’m happy with myself and the things I have accomplished and I’m very excited about the things that are to come.
My life is pretty interesting and I’m enjoying every minute of it. I look a little closer in the mirror and I still just see me. I finish toweling myself off and apply moisturizer to my face I see no lines or visible wrinkles I say a silent thank you to my African ancestors my fathers side of the family for supplying me with really great pigment that doesn’t wrinkle and appears ageless. By the time the Afro-rican women of my family start to show wrinkles they are well into their late 70’s and by that time are we really caring how many wrinkles we have?

I wrap my towel around me and walk to me room where I proceed to examine the rest of my body in the mirror. My breast appear to be where they were when I was 22 , that’s the beauty of belonging to the iddy biddy tiddy committee , oh please like you never heard us small breasted girls being teased that way. I examine my body in the mirror and although my body had changed throughout the years it remains in pretty good shape. My skin which my ex-husband would always say was super soft is unusually dry. As I oil and moisturize I wonder if others can see that I am changing. I’ve always been a very sensual and sexual woman. I read somewhere that my desire can diminished, actually what it said was that there can be a significant change in my libido..basically I will no longer feel aroused or want to have sex…..what the hell is that about!!!!
That’s not me! I can still feel aroused and desire I’m single now but am I going to change so much that I won’t want to have sex any more? I’m 43 I should still have a good 25 years of crazy off the chain sex left in me, well maybe 15 off the chain and 5 so so okay and another 5 of “is this how it felt” sex. I feel compelled to apologize to my daughters at this point because reading this may be a little embarrassing to them but hey one day you will be my age and you won’t be embarrassed. Actually my daughters are reading this saying …”that’s just my momma”.
I feel like I’m getting my second wind of being this woman that I’m determined to be and just when I think I have it all under control my body starts to betray me. Well actually it didn’t just start it started about 2 years ago. Since the age of about 11 when I started my menstrual cycle I was very regular I varied from 28 to 30 day cycles, but 2 years ago I started missing menstrual cycles and due to the fact that I’m single and not sexually active I knew I wasn’t pregnant. The years I turned 40 I started missing periods but not as frequently but since I was so regular I went to my doctor, who asked my age and checked my breast. He then proceeded to tell me that I was too young to be starting Menopause which is what I told him I think was happening since my mom started going through menopause at 40 why not me, like mother maybe like daughter.

Anyway he asked me a few questions , checked my abdomen and said yes you are too young for menopause but your uterus feels a little big so lets do an ultra sound because women your age can some times develop fibroids which may be the cause of you missing your period. He also told me that stress, and other natural things as well l things environmental could be causing my missed cycles, either way go downstairs make an appointment for the ultra sound and lets see what comes up. I was hoping he would say yes you are experiencing menopause, because then I would be able to sleep well knowing that this was bound to happen.
I had the ultrasound done and nothing, my uterus was fine, you are not going through menopause thank you, good luck and don’t forget your yearly mammogram. Just like that!! That was three years ago.
For the past 2 years my periods have been very irregular, missing, heavy, light and just unreliable. Then I got a cycle that lasted 19 days. I was a little worried so I called my employer to make sure I had insurance so that I could get in to see a doctor ASAP. I think once a woman hits 40 we joke around a lot when ever we are stressed, angry or sad , we say oh I’m just menopausal. I don’t think we really believe that. I know I didn’t. My doctor assured me that I was too young he said it would not happen until I was well into my 40’s ….late 40’s
Then last week I experienced something that left me shaken……………………………………..

Glendaliz ( I ain't skurred) Torres