Rock Bottom

Emotionally I was devastated, my mother was barely speaking to me , I had put my children through some major drama, my self-esteem was no where to be found and my life was going no where really fast. I needed to get away...run away, hide, lick my wounds. My children were going to Boston to visit with their dad and he asked me to come with them. This would give me time away from all this madness and I could think about what to do next.

We were in Boston 2 weeks when my brother called to tell me my father had died. I was on the Next flight back home.
This was a very dark time for me. I can still feel the pain of losing my father today as much as when he died. I don't think you ever get over it, you just learn to live with it and think more of the life instead of the death of that loved one. The break up of my 17 year marriage, the abuse I put myself through in the relationship following that break up and now the loss of my father took me to the very edge of my sanity. In less than 24 months I was going through it all.
In the last year I decided to write a book. I still don't have the title , but it's my story.
This is the introduction to my book

“ When can my heart beat again, when does the pain ever end, when do the tears stop from running over , and when will my get over it begin”
-Baby face-

She kneels at the foot of her bed clutching her abdomen. Sob escaping her lips, as tears streak down her face. Her head feels like it's about to explode; how did it come to this ? She asks herself. She is alone in her home. The children are out with friends. She is alone.
She looks around her room and again a pain rocks her as she realizes just how utterly alone she really is. She curls into a fetal position and continues to cry and sob until she has fallen asleep.
When she awakens she can't remember if she dreams or not. As she picks herself off the floor she can still see a few wet spots where she laid crying. She walks to the dresser and looks in the mirror. Who are you? What am I going to do? This can not be the life I am meant to live! She continues to stare at herself in the mirror as tears run down her face. She recalls all the things she wanted to do with her life, all the dreams she had. Her marriage , career, family nothing is like she imagined it or wanted it to be. WHY, WHY, WHY, can't I get this right!

What am I doing wrong? How am I suppose to know what to do? Which way to go? what road to take! As she walks out of her bedroom she feels an emptiness like no other she has ever felt before, a painful lightness as if there is nothing inside her, just a hollowness. She realizes she has hit an emotional rock bottom , a spiritual disconnection and she knows she can not stay there in that place for very long. She walks to the living room, there she stops and smells her fathers chair. Although faded she can still smell the scent of him, it's there.

She looks at the family pictures on the wall and tears start to flow freely again.
Her marriage of 17 years to her childhood sweetheart fell apart and disintegrated right before her eyes a few years back. She lost the home she shared with her husband and children. She was forced to seek homeless assistance and scatter her children with relatives so that they would not have to endure living in the motel her homeless voucher paid for.

She got into a relationship that was never a relationship at all, it was another one of life's jokes and it left her disappointed and disgusted with herself and they way her life was going.
She was a failure.
The death of her father devastated her, it was so unexpected. One minute he is there the next she is getting a call from her brother telling her that her father is dead.

This was too much to bear, the pain was too great, the hurt too deep. This pain was compounded by everything else she carried with her, all the loss that surrounded her , the lost love,loss of trust, lost relationships, loss of self, a girl lonely, a woman lost desperate for help.
As she looks at the family pictures she feels nothing but loss , she lean against the wall and lets herself slide to the floor. As tears stream down her face she mourns the loss of her father, the loss of her relationships, the loss of her innocence , the loss of her family the loss of her dignity , the loss of her self. As she taste the saltiness of her tears she looks around and knows that she has to do whatever it takes to reach out and some how come out of this emotional bottom because the thinking in this place is something she does not wish to entertain, the thinking here is utter hopelessness, pity, death and sorrow yet all she can do there in the darkest place of her soul is cry, cry and cry.

After all the crying is done there comes a stillness......................

That's was deep huh? Some of us have to go to that rock bottom to find our way up. I know that was the case for me. I'm still learning my way around this thing called life. I'm still asking questions, I'm still reinventing myself and I'm in love with me. I'm not a therapist I'm just a woman trying to find her way, a human being trying to get it right.